My Girlfriend Wants to Break Up With Me… Help!

Hi Anthony,

I came across your name on an article I found on the internet and I hope you can take a few mins of your time to read my problem, thanks.

Firstly I am a 28 year old male. I was going out with my ex GF for 3.5 years but we broke up just over a week ago.

apologize-to-ex-anthony-malibu

It all started 2 weekends ago when we were at a wedding and I was seated beside a gorgeous looking girl. I recognised her from college and remembered a mate of mine used to fancy her so I texted him saying that she was at the wedding and that she was looking hot etc..

The next day my girlfriend saw the text on my phone and said she was leaving me for good! I thought this was a bit drastic seen as I meant no harm whatsoever when I sent the text!

After a couple of hours of her crying she said she over-reacted slightly and that she didn’t want to break up with me and that she was just upset because she thought I fancied the other girl. Then she went to meet a female friend for about 6 hours!!

The next day she seemed to be in a mood with me again and had to leave town for a few days due to work reasons. It was her birthday then the following day and I arrived at her hotel as a surprise but she told the manager not to let me up to the room!! I couldn’t believe it.. So I rang her immediately and she was crying saying that she didn’t deserve what I did to her and that I ruined her birthday for the 2nd year in a row (the previous year I was coming to terms with her telling me that she had kissed her ex twice, so when I got drunk 1 night I texted my ex that’s all). She said she needed a few days space so I respected that and only texted her 2 or 3 times during the following 5 days.. She also said that she wasn’t going to break up with me but she needed time to get over the upset that was caused.

So the following Monday (6 days later) she arrived over to our apartment and said she wanted to break up! She said her self-esteem was ruined and that it was all my fault. She is very insecure and blames me. She is stunning looking and could get any guy she wanted but she feels that she’s not good looking enough for me and says that I should get a better looking girl for myself.. NOT TRUE! During this conversation she kept saying that she didn’t know what she wanted because she was confused but that it wasn’t fair on me to be waiting around for her to make her mind up. She said that she was holding me back and that it killed her to think that I would now be able to find myself another girlfriend..

She then left the apartment in tears saying that it was over!

That was 9 days ago.. I haven’t heard from her since. I have texted her twice in the last 9 days just to say “I hope you are ok and I’m sorry for hurting you”. She never replied!

Why did she suddenly change her mind? 3 weeks ago she told me she was so happy in our relationship and she wanted to marry me someday. She also cried 1 day to me a few weeks ago asking why I was with her when I could be with any other girl.. I don’t want any other girl. In our 3.5 years relationship I never cheated on her.. So she is obviously insecure. Ya we fight at times but who doesn’t? Over-all we used to get on great..

A few other things worth mentioning…

1) Even now her status on facebook says she is in a relationship.
2) We still have our apartment leased, neither of us are staying there, all her stuff is still there though.
3) She is checking my e-mails, I don’t mind this, but if she wants to break up with me why is she checking up on me??

So do you have any idea what’s going on in her mind? Is there any possibility I can get her back even though she won’t reply to my texts?

Thanks so much for reading this and hope to hear from you soon.

Liam

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Liam!

Sorry to hear about your girl trouble. The scenario is pretty familiar, and the word INSECURITY jumped to mind way before you mentioned it in the 2nd paragraph.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re entitled to have conversations and text-messages with your friend, and you’re entitled to bring up your past. The problem your girlfriend has with your past is that she wasn’t involved in it.

I think the healthiest relationships don’t have anything to hide, and I’ve never advocated password-protecting your phone or email accounts. The fact that you didn’t shows loyalty and maturity. Yet the fact that your ex is checking your email AND checked that text-message (the very next day?) shows that she’s extremely insecure and needy.

To say she overreacted is an understatement. If I were you, I would’ve been pissed. Then she apologized (which was pretty big of her), but refusing to allow you up to her hotel room was more than a little suspicious.

Most people are insecure for a reason. I’m not trying to alarm you, but a girl who’s constantly afraid you’re cheating on them (checking texts, email, etc…) or looking for someone hotter than her MAY already be cheating on you. It’s entirely possible she’s not, but people tend to channel their own guilt into insecure actions such as checking up on you, maybe even hoping (on some level) to catch you doing the same thing(s) they are.

When you said she went to see a female friend for six hours, you seemed shocked by that. Were you sure it was a female friend? The fact that she’d kissed her ex a year ago has me suspicious of that. Insecure girls *always* tend to fall back on past relationships for comfort when their current relationship hits a bump in the road. They can’t stand the thought of being alone, and it’s always easier to go back to someone who loves or loved them.

Overwhelmingly suspicious is the fact that you went all the way out to her hotel on a business trip, yet she refused to let you up to her room. Sorry bro, but I just don’t buy that. This girl is away on business after having had trouble with her boyfriend. She should be missing you like crazy and thrilled that you’re there, not turning you away in the hotel lobby. As tough as it is to say, the only thing that would keep her from seeing you would be if she already had someone there with her. Whether it be an ex or a coworker or whomever it was, she didn’t want you up because you didn’t want to get caught.

I’d question whether or not this girl is relying on someone else. At best, it could be only for comfort. At worst, she could be cheating on you. Women like this tend to build things up in their mind, and she probably worked that one little text-message you sent your friend into a big huge deal. When it got big enough, maybe she used it as an excuse to do her own thing. It’s a pretty lame way of justifying her actions, but insecurity can really blow things out of proportion.

Either way, this girl is crazy insecure. Mad at you for calling another girl hot? This is high school bullshit. After three and a half years of dating and some talk of marriage, you both should be way beyond this level of immaturity. You certainly seem to be, but she does not.

Texting her twice in the last nine days was a bad move. Apologizing was even worse. You’re essentially owning up to doing something bad, when in reality you didn’t do anything at all. This gives her justification: “He knows he fucked up!” and she gets to continue to ride the wave. It’s a lot easier to crucify you for something you ‘did’ to her (and damaging her self-esteem? Come on…) than it is to admit she’s just being an immature asshole. Insecure over another girl’s looks… jeeze, it’s like 10th grade all over again.

So what do you do? Well, for starters you need to call her one more time. If she answers, great. If not, you leave a message:

“Listen, I’m out. This is high school drama and I really don’t need it. I just wanted to let you know I’m done, so you don’t go crying that I left or abandoned the relationship without saying anything. Good luck.”

That’s it. After that, shut off your phone for a while. Don’t answer if she calls back, and don’t bother even logging in to read your email. Let her chew on this for a while, and let her worry that she’s finally pushed you too far. You’re fed up, you’re done, and she might’ve gotten you to the point of no return.

THESE things will get her on the phone rather quickly, I’d imagine. Unless she’s currently wrapped up with another guy, I’d say she calls you before the day is out. And even if she doesn’t? That’s fine too. It’s time to stop apologizing and start moving in the other direction. If she really does love you and wants to keep you as her boyfriend, she’ll need to come back on YOUR terms. That means an apology on her part, with no further apology from you.

If she brings up the subject of that text again, blow it off. Don’t even defend against it. Say something like:

“This again? Are you serious? We’re in our late 20’s, and we’re arguing over whether I called some other girl hot in a text-message you intercepted to my best friend? We might as well pass notes in study hall, because this is some real immature shit.”

Let her start questioning herself. Let her start to say: “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m overreacting.” This is the best way to get past this baby-crap, not by apologizing.

If she does come back, and you do decide to remain a couple? Pull her aside and talk with her. Tell her you really do love her, but that you’d like to take the relationship past all the baby bullshit and onto the next level. Tell her that although hot girls DO exist in the world, you only have eyes for her, and she should feel comfortable in knowing that you think she’s the hottest girl of all. And she’s YOUR girl, and that should be good enough for her.

If she does come back, let her know you want the drama taken down a few notches. Don’t give up control. Stay strong. Don’t apologize every five minutes because she blames you for something. She’s primarily responsible for her OWN happiness, and you shouldn’t be blamed for her insecurities. The more you bow your head and say you’re sorry, the more she feels vindicated in abusing your love for her.

Good luck man, and let me know how it turns out. It’s tough dating hot chicks. And if I were you, I’d seriously check up on what she’s doing… if only for your own edification.

Share this:
facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedinmail