Category Archives: Contacting an Ex

Find out when it’s okay to contact your ex after a breakup. Also learn exactly what to say – and what not to say – when talking or communicating with your former boyfriend or girlfriend.

Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend – When and How to Do It

Breaking up is about being apart. This makes you miss each other, but it also creates huge gaps between you that can make future contact pretty awkward.

Anthony Malibu - When and How to Contact Your Ex

Very often you won’t know when or how to get back in touch with your ex. Maybe you’ve even tried, and your attempts at keeping in touch have been met with resistance.

If your boyfriend is cold or callous when he talks to you, it can be emotionally devastating. It can make you feel like there’s no more hope; as if he’s moved on already, and there’s nothing more you can do.

At the same time, you’ll feel like not contacting him is even worse. You’ll feel him slipping away, as if he’ll forget about you more and more as each day goes by without talking, texting, or seeing him.

There’s a 6 Step-Process to Get Back With an Ex. One of those steps is the NO CONTACT phase, where you pull away from your ex long enough to make him miss you, need you, and eagerly want to hear from you again.

But when it’s time to get back in touch? There are a variety of ways you can make contact with your ex boyfriend again. Here are just a few of them:

Facebook or Instagram Contact

Of all the ways to reopen the lines of communication, this one is rock bottom. You really want to avoid contacting your ex through social media if at all possible, because it’s one of the most impersonal ways of reconnecting.

Essentially, you’re reaching here, and desperately so. Worse, your boyfriend can easily ignore this attempt at contacting him by simply doing nothing. This will leave you wondering if he even got your message at all.

Texting Your Ex After the Breakup

Again this is impersonal, and because you sent thousands of text-messages to each other over the course of your relationship, this will get lost in a sea of ‘whatever’. Texting your ex when you haven’t seen or talked to him in a long while is a huge copout. You’re showing your insecurity and lack of confidence; you’re sweating him so much you can’t even carry on a conversation with this guy. So why the hell would he want to date you?

Now if your ex texts you, you’ll need to know EXACTLY how to respond. In that case, check out this video on what to text your exboyfriend when he does reach out to you.

Emailing Your Ex Boyfriend

Marginally better than texting, this is still not the best idea. The bad news is he can ignore the email as if he never got it, leaving you in total limbo. The good news however, is that you get to craft a longer message. You aren’t limited to a certain number of words or characters, like on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook. You can really pour your heart out here. But should you?

Remember, when getting back in touch after a breakup you always want first contact to be short. You need to get in quick, keep things light and positive, and get out of the conversation on your own terms.

Here’s a complete guide on what to say when you make first contact with your ex boyfriend. Also included here, and even more important? What NOT to say to him if you still want him back!

Calling Your ExBoyfriend on the Phone

Here’s where you really up the ante on winning him back. Because until you’re willing to actually talk to your boyfriend, in a real live conversation? He’s never going to take your attempts at reconciliation seriously.

Up until you call him, he’ll see your texts and emails as signs of interest. He may be flattered by these things, but for the most part he’ll brush them off. In short, you’re giving up control. And you don’t have very much control to begin with, if he was the one who initiated the breakup.

There are certain times that are optimal for calling or contacting your ex. Know what these are, because when it comes to making him receptive to taking you back? Timing is everything.

Physically Seeing or Running Into Your Ex

There are two approaches to seeing your exboyfriend here. One is to just flat out show up and talk to him. And this one is risky.

Again, you don’t want to force your boyfriend into anything unwanted. He needs to NEED to hear from you again, or even see you, before you start making any moves. This requires him missing you first, so you must go through the no contact portion of the breakup reversal process. All of the steps are vital, and you can’t skip anything.

The second approach is to ‘accidentally’ show up somewhere your ex is going to be. This could require some reconnaissance (through friends, family, or even social media) but you absolutely must not let him know that you intentionally came to see him. This would look desperate, and if he smells that desperation it’s something that will immediately set you back to square ONE.

How Can I Get My Ex to Call Me?

Great question, I’m glad you asked it. Because as difficult as it is to initiate contact with someone who dumped you, the whole situation becomes MUCH easier when your boyfriend is the one who actually calls you.

There are several ways to accomplish this, and not all of them will fit your own particular breakup scenario. Read up on them and learn which one might be right for you. Then go for it, but only after you’ve gone NO CONTACT for the required period of time.

Ultimately contact is necessary for ANY reconciliation. Never be afraid of it. Never be too timid, or laid back, and fearful to make some moves of your own. Your boyfriend isn’t going to wait forever, and neither are the girls who might already be getting in line to date him.

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What Does it Mean When My Ex Drunk Dials Me?

It comes when you least expect it… Midnight. 2am. You pick up the phone and there’s your ex, talking as loudly and obnoxiously as if it’s 2 O’Clock in the afternoon.

Drunk dialing is one of the bigger faux pas you can encounter. But after a breakup? Well, when your ex calls you up it’s not only because he or she is totally inebriated.

Anthony Malibu - Ex Drunk Dialed Me

Often, a drunk phone call actually means something.

In some cases, it even means a lot.

Look, in the everyday world your ex is strong. He or she broke up with you, and intends on going their own way. But after a few drinks (or a lot of drinks), suddenly the inhibitions are lowered. Obstacles disappear.

What might seem like a really bad idea when sober becomes an awesome idea when your ex is drunk. And why?

Well, because your ex still has feelings for you in one way or another. Because he or she could’ve called anyone in their entire phone – in the entire world even – but in that exact moment of vulnerability and weakness your ex actually called YOU.

Why Alcohol is Usually the Best Truth Serum

Alcohol makes people crazy, happy, silly, stupid, violent, and a whole bunch of other things, depending upon the person. But the one thing it does universally, to everyone, is bring out the truth.

So if your ex managed to call or text you at their weakest moment? It’s almost always an indication that they still love you, or still need you in some way.

In some cases, your ex might even want you back. They could be working up the courage to tell you this, or even to admit it to themselves. But once under the influence of alcohol? Their feelings become a lot more obvious as their inhibitions melt away.

Face it, every relationship – no matter how it ended – leaves residual feelings behind. Whatever emotional bonds the two of you shared don’t just disappear the second you break up.

In fact, very often? These feelings are buried. If you want your ex back, it’s up to you to unbury them… or even better, get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend to unbury those feelings themselves.

Buttons You Can Push to Expose Your Ex’s Feelings

There are three major emotional reconnection techniques you can utilize when you want to fix your breakup. These are designed to instantly stop your ex from thinking bad things about you, and help them remember the good.

Once you master how to push these emotional hot buttons, you gain quick control over how your ex views you. Essentially, you can change their mind without them even knowing that you changed it. Almost like the Jedi Mind trick, but with a little less Force.

Understanding exactly how to tug on your ex’s heartstrings is more of an art than anything else. You can’t pull too hard, or you run the risk of scaring them away. But you also can’t sit back and do nothing, because eventually those feelings will fade.

What to Do When Your Ex Drunk Dials You

The very best thing to do when you get that drunken phone call is try to be understanding about it. Don’t get grumpy, or bitter, or launch into a lecture… these things will only make you come off like a jerk. Your ex will remember you being an asshole to them, and that’s pretty much all they’ll remember.

Instead, be cool. Realize this is something that can happen to all of us. If you’re still in love with this person, let them talk. See if you can read some of the bigger signs that your ex still loves you, or at least, still has feelings.

Whatever you do, don’t push. You can’t get answers right now, and even if you could, you wouldn’t want them. This isn’t the time for serious conversation, but if you still want this person in your life it’s a good time to have a fun conversation, laugh a bit, and maybe even bring up some of the cooler moments of your past relationship. Because when your ex wakes up? THAT’S what he or she will remember.

In the end, drunk dialing is always a sign of interest. You should be flattered, not pissed. You should see it as a compliment, even if it cost you some sleep. And in the grand scheme of things? This type of phone call can put you one step closer to reconciliation.

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My Ex Still Answers My Texts – What Does it Mean?

One of the more confusing aspects of breaking up is an ex who keeps in touch with you afterward. Especially when that person acts as if it’s perfectly normal to stay in touch, keep up past levels of communication, or even ‘stay friends’ afterward.

Anthony Malibu - Ex Still Texting You

For your ex, this is a comfortable situation. He or she still gets the security of still talking to you, which is an advantage when it comes to letting go. It always hurts less to let someone go over a longer period of time rather than just cut ties all at once, which is why most people will keep up some level of contact even after breaking up.

So what does it mean when your ex is still texting you?

Are they just looking out for you? Trying to be friendly?

Or is there some other underlying reason for them to keep texting you after breaking things off?

Well first, a lot can be said by the way the two of you broke up. In the case where the breakup was mutual (or at least you agreed that it was), texting each other might be an extension of habit. You’ve been talking all through your relationship, and since you parted ways with no really bad feelings, staying in contact seems fairly natural.

In other cases though, when an ex is still texting you? It’s probably because he or she has some unfinished business.

How to Use Text Messages to Get Your Ex Back

If you’re the one who got dumped, obviously you’d like to fix the situation. Getting back together with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend might prompt you to continue texting with them purely for your own interests. You want to keep talking with them. You don’t want them to lose interest. You love them, and would hate to lose them, so you’re willing to hang on to any last scrap of the former relationship no matter how big or small.

In truth however, constantly texting with your ex is counterproductive to getting them back. Because you can’t fix your breakup until:

  • Your ex misses you.
  • Your ex needs you.
  • Your ex sees you as attractive again.

Those three things. That’s it. That’s all it takes to get back together again.

Now getting your ex to miss you, right off the bat, is a huge problem if you’re still carrying on a textual relationship. By not taking yourself out of his or her life, you’re not creating a hole where you used to be. You’re still there. You’re only a few buttons away at any given time, and that knowledge gives your ex the security to continue being without you. Because in many ways, they still have you.

If your ex doesn’t miss you, they’ll never need you back. If you never go away, they never have to experience a life without you in it. So right away you’ve got two strikes going for you.

Finally, your ex broke up with you for a reason. Maybe even a few reasons. But whatever those were, they added up to the same thing: the romance lost something along the way. Whatever attracted your boyfriend or girlfriend to you in the first place wore off, and this was a combination of physical looks, emotional attachments, and personality traits that made them interested in you.

When you keep texting with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, they’ll see it as needy. They’ll see it as a sign that you need them more than they need you. Especially if you’re answering the texts very quickly, or flirting with your responses.

Think of it this way; we all want someone desirable. Someone who’s cool and attractive to the point where they’re almost unattainable. Capturing that person’s interest is a huge part of the courtship process. Getting them to like and appreciate you is your ultimate goal.

So when you’re already doing these things? When your ex already has your undivided attention? There’s no chase. You’ve eliminated the courtship process and gone straight to “hey, here I am, take me when you want me”, and at the same time, you’ve given your ex no particular reason to still want you back. Nothing has really changed. Even the texts have been the same.

To win your ex back, you need to break this cycle. You need to withdraw, shake things up, and let your ex know he or she stands to really lose you – and for good too – if they don’t immediately start chasing you again.

Your first step? Taking Away your Ex’s Safety Net. Because once you do this, the breakup roles are entirely reversed. The power your ex took when they broke things off shifts back to you, and you can then use that power to make them want you again.

You also learn tons more about texing your ex (and how you can use text-messages to lure them back), by watching this video. It’s a great tool for those trying to re-attract an ex boyfriend or girlfriend strictly using text messages.

But for now, stop texting your ex. Don’t answer for a while and see what happens. Some of the best advice you can get involves turning your phone off, putting it in a drawer, and going out and having a great time WITHOUT your ex (and without your cellphone). Your LIFE is the thing that makes you attractive to someone. Not your text-messages.

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Take the Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Quiz

Does he still love you? Sometimes it’s not easy to tell. Guys can send very mixed feelings your way after a breakup, and their intentions are never 100% clear.

To understand whether or not you’ve still got a shot, you need to know how your ex really feels. You have to dig deep, to where unresolved emotional bonds are still tying him to you in one way or another. And more often than not, this is not something your ex is going to be open about, or disclose willingly.

Get Your Ex Back Quiz

The following Quiz can tell you a whole bunch of stuff about your ex boyfriend. Answering honestly, you’ll learn:

  • What it means when he’s still calling you, and how you can get your ex to call.
  • How much you should read into it when your boyfriend keeps ‘running into’ you.
  • What the type of contact your ex makes says about his future intentions.
  • How the way he broke up with you can affect whether or not he still sees the two of you together.
  • How any communication he has with your family and friends can be a big sign he’s ready to take you back.
  • Why the excuses he gives for calling you can hint at the possibility of an apology or reconciliation.
  • The true reason(s) he may have broken up with you (which are not always what he originally told you).
  • Why your ex bringing up the past can be a big tell when it comes to getting back together.
  • Exactly what it means when you have intimacy after the breakup (sex with your ex).

These are only a few of the areas covered by this 18-question quiz. At the end the quiz is fully scored, and points tallied to give a total. The higher your score, the greater the chance your boyfriend still wants you back. From there recommendations are made, based upon how you scored and which questions received stronger answers.

The entire Get Your Ex Back Quiz can be found here. Check it out, and see how high a score you get.

Connecting With Your Ex Boyfriend After the Breakup

In some cases you’ll want to walk away from a bad relationship. But in others? You’ll feel like the whole thing is unfinished. As if you really could be good together, if only the two of you could get past a few hurdles.

Knowing what those hurdles are is usually difficult. Many relationships end with a bunch of fighting or bad feelings, and others just end with two people shutting up and walking away. Getting back in touch after that can be difficult. Contacting your ex is like putting yourself out there, setting yourself up for rejection, if the type of contact you make with him is unwanted.

If your ex hasn’t called or contacted you at all, calling him isn’t the answer. Not now, while he still hasn’t had time to miss you. But then many times, an ex boyfriend will want to stay in touch with you after breaking things off. He’ll send text messages, or even encourage you to do the same. He might even suggest staying friends with him, but if you want him back? This type of arrangement will only lessen your chances at ever being his girlfriend again… and for a good many reasons.

Remember: you can’t force someone to be with you. You can only make them see what they’ll be missing, and to do that, you need to go away for a while. In cutting yourself entirely from your boyfriend’s life you can play upon the existing emotional bonds he’s currently trying to bury. And if those bonds are strong enough? He’ll miss you enough that he’ll need you back, or at least need to start hearing from you again… and this is when he’ll make that call.

Learn the best methods to accelerate your ex missing you, and use them to speed up the process of fixing your breakup. These work more efficiently when you employ them closest to your breakup date, so don’t wait forever.

And in the meantime? Take the quiz to see exactly where you stand on the path to getting back together.

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Why Does My Ex Keep Sending Mixed Signals?

So they broke up with you… then they call you. They tell you to leave them alone, then you get a late-night text message from them…

What gives? Is your ex just doing all this to torture you, or do they really have some kind of unknown agenda in mind?

Ex Sending Mixed Signals

Mixed signals are some of the hardest things to figure out when dealing with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. The hot-and-cold nature of speaking to someone who isn’t sure of what they want can be confusing and infuriating, not to mention the roller-coaster ride of hope and hopelessness you’re forced to go on when your ex keeps stringing you along.

The first thing to understand here is that your boyfriend or girlfriend is also going through a breakup. Just because he or she seemed sure about ending things doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing many of the same things you are.

Heartbreak, loneliness – these things are running through your ex’s mind too. Since they’re the ones who decided to break up, the decision still weighs heavily on them, and usually for some time afterward. Even if your ex started seeing someone new, there will always be lingering emotional ties. And some of these ties will be so strong, that they feel compelled to get in touch with you, or even ask to see you again.

How to Handle it When Your Ex Calls or Texts

Any contact from your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend is almost universally a sign of interest. Unless they’re getting back in touch to pick up something they left at your place (and even sometimes then), they’re contacting you because they have a NEED for such contact. This need is fulfilled the minute you pick up the phone or text them back, so you should be very careful with how you respond. If you’re not in agreement with the breakup and really want them back? Answering them right away might seem a little needy or desperate on your part.

The worst thing you could do at this point is ‘chase’ your ex through these hot and cold moments. Because sometimes, all they want from you is the knowledge you’re still there. You’ll get ex boyfriends or girlfriends who give you the:

“Hi! Just wanted to make sure you’re okay with everything…”

This is basically for their benefit and not yours; your ex really doesn’t care much about how you’re doing at this point, but care more about whether or not you’re still ‘around’ in case they decide to call off the breakup. Whether you tell them you’re okay or NOT okay doesn’t matter. What matters is you answered them, and this is pretty much all they really wanted.

Another thing an ex will do is try to string you along with stuff like:

“I’ll always love you, but I’m just not in love with you.”

This is the equivalent of putting you on a shelf for later on. You’ve been Friend-Zoned. Put somewhere you have no power, yet still have to answer to your ex if they happen to need you for moral support, a dilemma, or just a shoulder to cry on.

Allow yourself to be put on this shelf, and you’re effectively ending any chance you might have of being with this person again. Because whenever you play the “I’ll be there for you” game, you’re only going to be there when HE or SHE needs you, and not when you need something from them.

Texting Your Ex – What to Do After the Breakup

There are a lot of texts that happen after relationships end, and you should know how to respond to them. Some texts might come off as innocent, but in reality they’re really not.

You can even use other texts to help get your ex back. These you need to know inside and out before you send them however, because not texting your ex the right thing can have big consequences that negatively affect your ability to look positive and favorable in their eyes.

Ultimately, how you handle talking to or even seeing your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend is up to you. It eventually boils down to how much you want to include them in your life, or whether you’re trying to cut them loose altogether. Each way, contact should be something you’re careful with. You’ve been hurt once, and you don’t want to get hurt again.

There are 6 Individual Steps necessary to Get Back With Your Ex Girlfriend, so find out what they are!

And for women trying to fix a breakup? Check out the same 6 steps with a slightly different perspective at How to Get Your Boyfriend Back.

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Why is Your Ex Still Texting You After the Breakup?

Text-messaging… it’s a huge part of our daily lives. And when it comes to dating, it’s an equally large part of the communication between a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

During your relationship you probably sent tens of thousands of texts back and forth to your lover. Little ones. Big long ones. Smiley emoticons and heavy sexting and everything in between.

Ex Still Texting You After The Breakup?

So when your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you, did you really expect it would all end? Did you think your ex would delete your number from his or her phone, and that would be it?

In reality, a lot of communication and text-messaging goes on these days POST-breakup. And that’s not just out of habit. Because if your ex is still texting you even after they’ve dumped you? If they’re still hammering out messages just for the sake of keeping in touch with you?

It’s a sure sign of only one thing:

Your ex still has some level of feelings for you.

Think about it for a second. If your ex really wanted out, they’re already gone. They don’t have to text you. They don’t have to keep in touch. And yes, I know they’re doing it under the guise of “we’re still friends” or the dreaded “I just wanted to see how you’re doing”, but truth be told, this person is keeping those lines of communication open for some very simple and selfish reasons: they don’t want you going anywhere just yet.

No, if your ex still texts after dumping you it’s because they’re not 100% sure. They could be 70, 80, 90% sure… but that lingering doubt is what’s keeping them from cutting you loose and deleting your contact information from their phone altogether.

What to Do if Your Ex is Still Texting You

If you’re trying to get back together but your ex won’t budge, it’s still a great sign you’re getting these messages. Even better, you can USE these messages as a tool to not only draw them closer again, but to actually get them to want you back.

First, check out this crazy but cool video on EXACTLY what to do when you start receiving texts from an exboyfriend or exgirlfriend. It’ll teach you pretty much everything you need to know about sending and receiving text-based communication after your relationship has already ended.

Next, understand that TOO much communication at this point is bad. This is because your ex is relying on these texts to still get their “fix” of you. By entertaining entire conversations with them, you’re giving them exactly what they want. Moreover, exactly what they need to keep themselves level-headed and going forward with the breakup.

Your goal here should be to make your ex MISS you. You’ll want them to need to hear from you – to actually crave all the cute little conversations and back-and-forth stuff you used to do each night, every morning, and all throughout the day.

Other Signs Your Ex Still Might Love and Need You

And remember, text-messaging is only one of the bigger red flags that your former boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t yet over the relationship. There are lots of other signs too, and knowing what these are can really help nail the correct timing of the 6-step reconciliation process.

Ultimately, any time your ex wants to stay in touch it’s an indication of general interest. In all cases, play it cool. Don’t chase. If you let your ex initiate most of the conversations, the balance of power will shift slowly back in your favor. You never want to feel as if your communication is unwanted. If you find yourself asking the question “do I text him/her too much?” the answer is already ‘yes’.

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Why You Can’t Stay Friends With Your Ex

Of all the broken relationship questions I get, the most common ones deal with friendship. And that’s because, for many people, keeping up some level of friendship after breaking up seems to be the ‘go to’ method for trying to stay in your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend’s life.

“Hey Anthony, why can’t I stay friends with my ex?
Won’t that help in getting them back?”

I hate to say it, but the answer is no.  You cannot, and should not, stay friends – or even friendly – after the breakup.  NOT if you actually want this person back as your girlfriend or boyfriend.

Friends With Your Ex

Honestly, staying friends with someone who just dumped you seems like a great initial idea.  You get to still see them.  You get to talk to them, text them – by remaining on friendly terms you don’t have to cut them out of your life.

You’re staying in sight too, so your ex doesn’t forget about you, and you’re able to see what your former lover is doing… and with whom.

All of that sounds amazing, no?  The next best thing to dating them, right?  Well, if only any of it were true.

Why Being Friends With Your Ex is Torture for Them

Right off the bat, you have to understand something very important: after breaking up with you, your ex doesn’t want to see you.

For a lot of people this is very difficult to swallow.  Yes, I know, they told you differently.  Your boyfriend or girlfriend put on a brave smile and said “sure!” when you asked if you could still talk to them, keep in touch, hell, even hang out together.  And they meant it… for about as long as it took for you to get back in your car.

After that?  Your ex wants to avoid you.  He or she would rather go to the dentist than actually run into you right now.  And no, it’s not because they hate you.  It’s not “bad blood” or anything stupid like that.  It’s because your ex will feel totally awkward around you.  And that’s because of something even more important:

They’re trying to push aside any emotional ties they still have to you.

And so yeah, the last thing they want is to see you.  Or hear from you.  Or for God’s sake, hang out with you.  When you call or text or whatever, you’ll talk to them less and less.  They’ll cut the ties of communication slowly, so as not to upset you, but they’ll cut them nonetheless.  Which means that very, very soon, you’re going to feel utterly and completely alone.

Why Being Friends With Your Ex is Torture for YOU

Now if you think that’s bad, it’s an even worse situation on your end. Because while you’re friends with your ex girlfriend or boyfriend? You’re stuck in this weird limbo of no longer being in a romantic relationship with them, and not really being an actual friend either.

“Bullshit! I can totally be friends with my ex!”

Nope. You might think you’re doing it, but in reality you’re stuck in a very strange place. That’s because you’re not like any of your ex’s other friends. You’re a friend with an agenda.

A ‘friend’ who has the ultimate goal of getting back in this person’s pants again. THEY want friendship. YOU want more. And no matter how much you deny it, or think you can try to hide it? Your ex totally knows and sees this. They feel it without you even having to say a single word, and from that moment on, they’re going to have their guard up around you.

Staying friends at this point will be torturous.  You’ll have to smile and be ‘happy’ while your ex lives his or her life without you.  You’ll need to be supportive when they talk about their dating problems.  And when your ex finally starts seeing someone else?  You’ll need to put on your bravest face and act happy for them, even though it’s going to feel like you got stabbed in the stomach.

And hey, even if you could be friends for a while?  The second one or both of you get a new partner that person isn’t going to be too happy about the arrangement.  Remember dating that one person who just couldn’t let go of their ex?  The person who told you “we’re just friends”, even though you wish this ex would go the hell away?  Well now you’re on the flip side of that coin.

What Should You Do if Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Short answer? You tell them no. But the long answer? You have to do it in such a way that it actually makes your ex need to hear from you again.

It’s not as simple as refusing the friendship. You also need to convince your ex that you don’t want to be friends with him or her, and that you’re not just shrugging it off because you’re bitter or angry.

Breaking Up With Ex

Essentially, you want your ex to wonder WHY you won’t be friends with them. It should seem cold to them. Callous. Like you really didn’t care to begin with, if you could just break free of them cold turkey.

The fact you’re not willing to even maintain simple contact (like texting or Instagram) tells your ex a great deal about your independence, and how they had you pegged wrong as still needing them around. This is only one of several counter-rejection techniques you can employ to shake things up, making your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend question their decision to break up with you in the first place.

When your ex realizes you’re willing to walk away from them, without even attempting to be friends? They themselves feel rejected. Your boyfriend or girlfriend also has to face the grim reality of the breakup alone.

This is especially bad for them if they expected you to stay in touch. Most people who say “let’s be friends” aren’t 100% ready to let go just yet, and the post-break friendship is a way for them to do it gradually, at their own pace. But you denied them that luxury, which puts them out of their comfort zone. You just ripped the Band-Aid off in one quick motion.

If You’re Already Friends With Your Ex… What Then?

If the breakup already happened and you’re now stuck in the “buddy” role, there are a number of ways to fix things. First, you’ll need to climb out of the dreaded Friend Zone, even if it means severing what little contact you already have with your former lover.

Beyond that, there’s a four-step process to making your ex see you as a potential partner again, rather than just a friend. It might seem like a small step backwards, but sometimes you have to backtrack in order to find the right path.

Remember: “staying friends with your ex” is a consolation prize that you just don’t want. Read up on other ways to break out of the friendship trap by checking out the links below:

What to Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Wants to Be Friends

How to Get Your Girlfriend Back When She Just Wants to Be Friends

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