Category Archives: Dear Anthony

My Girlfriend Wants to Break Up With Me… Help!

Hi Anthony,

I came across your name on an article I found on the internet and I hope you can take a few mins of your time to read my problem, thanks.

Firstly I am a 28 year old male. I was going out with my ex GF for 3.5 years but we broke up just over a week ago.

apologize-to-ex-anthony-malibu

It all started 2 weekends ago when we were at a wedding and I was seated beside a gorgeous looking girl. I recognised her from college and remembered a mate of mine used to fancy her so I texted him saying that she was at the wedding and that she was looking hot etc..

The next day my girlfriend saw the text on my phone and said she was leaving me for good! I thought this was a bit drastic seen as I meant no harm whatsoever when I sent the text!

After a couple of hours of her crying she said she over-reacted slightly and that she didn’t want to break up with me and that she was just upset because she thought I fancied the other girl. Then she went to meet a female friend for about 6 hours!!

The next day she seemed to be in a mood with me again and had to leave town for a few days due to work reasons. It was her birthday then the following day and I arrived at her hotel as a surprise but she told the manager not to let me up to the room!! I couldn’t believe it.. So I rang her immediately and she was crying saying that she didn’t deserve what I did to her and that I ruined her birthday for the 2nd year in a row (the previous year I was coming to terms with her telling me that she had kissed her ex twice, so when I got drunk 1 night I texted my ex that’s all). She said she needed a few days space so I respected that and only texted her 2 or 3 times during the following 5 days.. She also said that she wasn’t going to break up with me but she needed time to get over the upset that was caused.

So the following Monday (6 days later) she arrived over to our apartment and said she wanted to break up! She said her self-esteem was ruined and that it was all my fault. She is very insecure and blames me. She is stunning looking and could get any guy she wanted but she feels that she’s not good looking enough for me and says that I should get a better looking girl for myself.. NOT TRUE! During this conversation she kept saying that she didn’t know what she wanted because she was confused but that it wasn’t fair on me to be waiting around for her to make her mind up. She said that she was holding me back and that it killed her to think that I would now be able to find myself another girlfriend..

She then left the apartment in tears saying that it was over!

That was 9 days ago.. I haven’t heard from her since. I have texted her twice in the last 9 days just to say “I hope you are ok and I’m sorry for hurting you”. She never replied!

Why did she suddenly change her mind? 3 weeks ago she told me she was so happy in our relationship and she wanted to marry me someday. She also cried 1 day to me a few weeks ago asking why I was with her when I could be with any other girl.. I don’t want any other girl. In our 3.5 years relationship I never cheated on her.. So she is obviously insecure. Ya we fight at times but who doesn’t? Over-all we used to get on great..

A few other things worth mentioning…

1) Even now her status on facebook says she is in a relationship.
2) We still have our apartment leased, neither of us are staying there, all her stuff is still there though.
3) She is checking my e-mails, I don’t mind this, but if she wants to break up with me why is she checking up on me??

So do you have any idea what’s going on in her mind? Is there any possibility I can get her back even though she won’t reply to my texts?

Thanks so much for reading this and hope to hear from you soon.

Liam

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Liam!

Sorry to hear about your girl trouble. The scenario is pretty familiar, and the word INSECURITY jumped to mind way before you mentioned it in the 2nd paragraph.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re entitled to have conversations and text-messages with your friend, and you’re entitled to bring up your past. The problem your girlfriend has with your past is that she wasn’t involved in it.

I think the healthiest relationships don’t have anything to hide, and I’ve never advocated password-protecting your phone or email accounts. The fact that you didn’t shows loyalty and maturity. Yet the fact that your ex is checking your email AND checked that text-message (the very next day?) shows that she’s extremely insecure and needy.

To say she overreacted is an understatement. If I were you, I would’ve been pissed. Then she apologized (which was pretty big of her), but refusing to allow you up to her hotel room was more than a little suspicious.

Most people are insecure for a reason. I’m not trying to alarm you, but a girl who’s constantly afraid you’re cheating on them (checking texts, email, etc…) or looking for someone hotter than her MAY already be cheating on you. It’s entirely possible she’s not, but people tend to channel their own guilt into insecure actions such as checking up on you, maybe even hoping (on some level) to catch you doing the same thing(s) they are.

When you said she went to see a female friend for six hours, you seemed shocked by that. Were you sure it was a female friend? The fact that she’d kissed her ex a year ago has me suspicious of that. Insecure girls *always* tend to fall back on past relationships for comfort when their current relationship hits a bump in the road. They can’t stand the thought of being alone, and it’s always easier to go back to someone who loves or loved them.

Overwhelmingly suspicious is the fact that you went all the way out to her hotel on a business trip, yet she refused to let you up to her room. Sorry bro, but I just don’t buy that. This girl is away on business after having had trouble with her boyfriend. She should be missing you like crazy and thrilled that you’re there, not turning you away in the hotel lobby. As tough as it is to say, the only thing that would keep her from seeing you would be if she already had someone there with her. Whether it be an ex or a coworker or whomever it was, she didn’t want you up because you didn’t want to get caught.

I’d question whether or not this girl is relying on someone else. At best, it could be only for comfort. At worst, she could be cheating on you. Women like this tend to build things up in their mind, and she probably worked that one little text-message you sent your friend into a big huge deal. When it got big enough, maybe she used it as an excuse to do her own thing. It’s a pretty lame way of justifying her actions, but insecurity can really blow things out of proportion.

Either way, this girl is crazy insecure. Mad at you for calling another girl hot? This is high school bullshit. After three and a half years of dating and some talk of marriage, you both should be way beyond this level of immaturity. You certainly seem to be, but she does not.

Texting her twice in the last nine days was a bad move. Apologizing was even worse. You’re essentially owning up to doing something bad, when in reality you didn’t do anything at all. This gives her justification: “He knows he fucked up!” and she gets to continue to ride the wave. It’s a lot easier to crucify you for something you ‘did’ to her (and damaging her self-esteem? Come on…) than it is to admit she’s just being an immature asshole. Insecure over another girl’s looks… jeeze, it’s like 10th grade all over again.

So what do you do? Well, for starters you need to call her one more time. If she answers, great. If not, you leave a message:

“Listen, I’m out. This is high school drama and I really don’t need it. I just wanted to let you know I’m done, so you don’t go crying that I left or abandoned the relationship without saying anything. Good luck.”

That’s it. After that, shut off your phone for a while. Don’t answer if she calls back, and don’t bother even logging in to read your email. Let her chew on this for a while, and let her worry that she’s finally pushed you too far. You’re fed up, you’re done, and she might’ve gotten you to the point of no return.

THESE things will get her on the phone rather quickly, I’d imagine. Unless she’s currently wrapped up with another guy, I’d say she calls you before the day is out. And even if she doesn’t? That’s fine too. It’s time to stop apologizing and start moving in the other direction. If she really does love you and wants to keep you as her boyfriend, she’ll need to come back on YOUR terms. That means an apology on her part, with no further apology from you.

If she brings up the subject of that text again, blow it off. Don’t even defend against it. Say something like:

“This again? Are you serious? We’re in our late 20’s, and we’re arguing over whether I called some other girl hot in a text-message you intercepted to my best friend? We might as well pass notes in study hall, because this is some real immature shit.”

Let her start questioning herself. Let her start to say: “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m overreacting.” This is the best way to get past this baby-crap, not by apologizing.

If she does come back, and you do decide to remain a couple? Pull her aside and talk with her. Tell her you really do love her, but that you’d like to take the relationship past all the baby bullshit and onto the next level. Tell her that although hot girls DO exist in the world, you only have eyes for her, and she should feel comfortable in knowing that you think she’s the hottest girl of all. And she’s YOUR girl, and that should be good enough for her.

If she does come back, let her know you want the drama taken down a few notches. Don’t give up control. Stay strong. Don’t apologize every five minutes because she blames you for something. She’s primarily responsible for her OWN happiness, and you shouldn’t be blamed for her insecurities. The more you bow your head and say you’re sorry, the more she feels vindicated in abusing your love for her.

Good luck man, and let me know how it turns out. It’s tough dating hot chicks. And if I were you, I’d seriously check up on what she’s doing… if only for your own edification.

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My Boyfriend Says He Lost Feelings For Me – How Do I Get Him Back?

Hi Anthony!

First of all, I enjoy reading your articles about how to get the exboyfriend back. It makes a lot of sense. But that exboyfriend of mine is saying to me, “I’m way down the road,” and also, “I have lost feelings for you.” The reasons he left we could fix together, for sure, but he never talked about how unhappy he was in the relationship before the breakup. We just abruptly broke up. Here are the reasons for the breakup: My obsession with rescuing animals, (no time for him), religious issue(my saying grace over the food whenever), drinking/partying issue (can\’t drink much, diabetic), no sex issue. That’s it.

He said he lost sexual attraction for me. Since then I have stop rescuing, gotten rid of all my animals except 4 cats. I told him that. I have a lot of time for him. I pleaded with him to give me another chance. He was negative about it. Said he lost all feelings for me. That we should go find better people to be with.

We never argued, and always went on fabulous vacations, had a blast every time. I have given him his space, but have sent him emails that he has totally ignored. His ex wife who I\’m friends with told me that he has moved on, and I should too. I even sent him an invite out for a drink, but he didn\’t respond at all. Would you method work on him? How can I work my way back? I love him. Thanks, Margery

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Margery!

Sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having with your boyfriend! It’s always sad to hear about stuff like this. You sound like you’ve been a good girlfriend and you’ve done just about everything possible to keep the relationship going, only to have him continually reject your attempts at fixing things.

It sounds a lot like he is losing interest, but it’s hard to really know until you’ve actually let him go yourself. So far you haven’t done that. Your constant attention to him (calling, going to his hockey game, inviting him out for drinks) is a constant reminder that you’re still there, waiting for him, wanting him, ready to take him back the moment he gets bored or feels like he needs you. Only he won’t feel like he needs you until he turns, looks to see where you are, and finds out that you’ve already gone away.

When’s the last time you talked to him? Emailed or texted him? What happens if you stop all contact – does he eventually call or email you? The fact he kissed you before his hockey game may have been a good sign, but I need to know more about how long he lets a lack of contact ‘go’ before he starts missing you or needing to hear from you.

I find it sad that you’ve changed so many of your basic traits for him. Rescuing animals is an amazing thing (I’m a big dog-lover), and you gave it up for him. I couldn’t imagine giving up pets for anyone! And although I’m not too religious, I would never begrudge anyone who is, much less someone who likes to say grace. Seems like you’ve bent over backward for him.

Give me a shout and let me know how things are going. I’m pulling for you!
Anthony

Breakup Advice Separator

Thanks Anthony for your reply.

I saw him on Dec 2nd. That was when I went out to his house to take Christmas gifts to his sisters. I spent half a day, and hockey game that night. He let me touch him, and snuggle with him on the couch, even though he told me that afternoon that he had lost all feelings for me. That’s when he called me darling, pumpkin, baby. He ask me to go to Walmart with him to get more lights. Then I went to his hockey game that evening. We kissed each other before he went out on the ice for good luck. I watched his entire game. After the game and he cleaned up, I waited for him. I said that I’ll go get my clothes and spend the night with him. He said why don’t we wait another night that we don’t have to work. Said okay. He walked me to the car, and we both kissed again and hugged. I left, and called his sister that lives with him and told her I thought we were getting back together. But, when he got home, she said she asked him if we were getting back together, and he said no, and she said I told her about spending the night, and he said he didn’t tell me that. Next day I got the bad email from him of not getting back together as before. What changed him?

I haven’t spoken to him since. But I did email him, send a hand written to his house, and sent the nude picture of me on text. That all was last month too. He hasn’t called me at all. Neither has he responded to any of the emails I sent him.

For 10 years he phoned me every day when he is on the road. He travels weekly for his work, leaving on Monday and returning on Thursday. Thursday night he plays hockey, Saturday morning, and Sunday night. We get together in between. Also, I had the animals to take care of. Even a blind cat I fed everyday down the street for 2 years until I had to put it to sleep.
He would say that I need to get rid of some of those____cats. I even had turtles that I rescued also to feed. Big responsibility. That was the only thing I heard him complain about.

I’m back to the no contact rule. I have cut of even his sisters, and his ex wife from talking with them or emailing them. They feel really bad for me. We were all close, and enjoyed each others company. Do you think there is hope. I don’t want to make a mistake and lose him for good.

How do I rekindle the spark between us? Anthony, you are the expert in these matters.

He lives 40 minutes away from me. I don’t know if he misses me, cause when we broke up he was going places, like Las Vegas with his buddies, trying to stay away from Houston. He went to Cancun with some friends and their 20 yr old daughters/friends. I was suppose to go on that trip with him too. But he didn’t include me because we had already broken up. What do you suggest I do that would get him interested. Make him jealous?

Thanks, Margery

Breakup Advice Separator

Sounds like you’re doing the right things right now.

The last few months have been full of holidays. This means he’s been around people, family, etc… You said yourself that he vacationed a lot as well. All of this means he’s had zero to no time alone, and that translates to little to no time missing you.

Perhaps in the coming weeks he’ll miss you more, simply because everything dies down. There are no more holidays until Easter (except for Valentine’s day, which is when he’ll certainly think of you) and he’ll be home more.

Cutting yourself off from his family is a good move. Cutting off all contact, including Facebook, etc… is a GREAT one. If you’re still friends on Facebook, I’d suggest disconnecting that tie. As hard as it might be, it’ll make him nervous that maybe, just maybe, you’re finally moving on.

Do you think he’s got someone else? I don’t mean to get too personal, but how often was the sex between you? If he’s gone from having a constant sex life to having none at all, I’d wonder if maybe he’s not seeing another girl. But if there was little to no sex toward the end of the relationship to begin with, that’ll make it a bit harder for him to miss you.

In the end you’ve done what he asked (with the animals). When you DO start talking to him again, make sure he realizes you’ll have a lot more time for him. But don’t make it sound like you’re desperate to be with him either. Doing your own thing – and yes, perhaps making him jealous – is the best thing you can do at this point.

Breakup Advice Separator

Unfortunately we haven’t had sex for quite some time (3 years), hard to believe. But, he never overtly said to me, “hey what’s wrong here?” I really didn’t think he wanted any cause he never said anything. He told me the last time I saw him that he hinted to me. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the move. He didn’t communicate to me that he was unhappy with our relationship at any time. He could be seeing someone now, and that is why he is ignoring me. I guess I could try to make him jealous with going out with someone else.

And I will disconnect his family from my face book. I have already unfriended him. He has not blocked me from his face book either.

I will keep you posted. Do you think that I have lost him forever? I pray that he comes back around.

Breakup Advice Separator

Well, the no sex thing is tough. Not saying it’s anyone’s fault in particular, but if he hasn’t touched you in that long he might not be interested in sex at all anymore.

Beyond sex however, there are many other methods of attachment. Did you ever live together? It’s hard to cut someone out of your life that you’ve been seeing and talking to every day. He wouldn’t just do that without another person to make the transition more seamless, which is why I think maybe he’s got someone else. Even if not physically, mentally and emotionally.

As cool as it is that you’re friends with his family, and even his ex wife, those casual everyday relationships are stacking the deck against you. The more you talk to them – even about innocent little things – the more he’ll hear about it (and the less he’ll need to hear from you).

Right now his ex-wife is saying stuff like “Oh, she’s still hung up on you… poor thing. I told her you’ve moved on and she should too.” Translated to him: this girl isn’t going anywhere ANYTIME soon. Which means he can pretty much blow you off and do whatever he wants, knowing he can get you back anytime.

To fix this situation, you need to cut off all possible information your ex boyfriend could get about you: friends, family, co-workers, etc… This will create distance. Mystery. Suddenly you’ve disappeared, and he doesn’t know where you are. He’s not sure whether or not he can get you back, and that leads to something extremely important (possibly even most important): him second-guessing himself.

While you’re doing this, you need to go out and have the best possible time without him. When and if he does hear anything about you, it should be that you were out laughing and having a great time. He should hear – through the grapevine and not directly – that you’ve been going places and doing things and NOT ASKING ABOUT HIM AT ALL. And yes, if you happen to go out on a few dates with someone else? That’s certain to spark jealousy, which in turn will spark his interest. You don’t have to throw yourself at the first guy you see, or even get serious about anyone… just going out casually with a guy or guy(s) should be enough – when coupled with a complete lack of contact on your part – to let him know he’d better do one of two things: step up and get back in touch with you OR face the possibility of losing you for good.

I’m not entirely sure you’ve lost him forever. He’s gone quite some time without initiating contact, but then again, you’ve been the one contacting him. Calling him. Sending him invites and photos. Those things might be enough to feed his ego and make him strong. Take them away and he might weaken, only time will tell. You just have to be absolutely extreme in your no contact. Even the smallest “most innocent” email or text could break weeks of silence.

Let’s see what happens on Valentine’s day. If you’re completely silent between then and now, I wonder if he won’t at least send you an e-card or email mentioning that he’s thinking about you. What do you think?

Breakup Advice Separator

Anthony, You are great! Thank you so much.

I really appreciate your guidance. God knows I need it.

The sex thing, well when I went out to his house the second time, and we were setting on the couch close together he let me put my hand almost on his leg very close to his you know what without taking his hand away either. I was surprised because in the near past he would move my hand away. And remember the night of the hockey game we talked about spending the night together, and then he changed his mind the next day.

I’m going to unfriend his relatives on my face book too like you said would help me. I never lived with him. We talked about marriage, but he didn’t want all those animals around him he said in his house. He’s not an animal person either.

I don’t think he would send me a Valentine. He always sent me flowers at work or just give them to me on the weekend when I would see him. If he’s dating someone then he will probably get them the Valentine. I need to find out if he is dating someone. Thanks again so much, Margery

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My Ex Hasn’t Responded for 2 Weeks – What Can I Do?

Hi Anthony!

My name is Sharon and I have been reading your relationship articles for a while now and they seem to help, but I am in a very strange situation with my ex and I was wondering if you can help me out.In the beginning of July my ex broke up with me because he told me that it was the right time to move on and to just remain friends. A week after he broke up with me I had sex with another guy.

A couple of days after my ex broke up with me he would still text me everyday and remained contact. A couple of weeks later we began to hang out a lot and started to discuss getting back together. I told him about the other guy that I hooked up with and he started crying and was very upset the next day he told me he was shocked and confused and very hurt because he told me he still had feelings for me when we broke up. Then he told me that he’s giving me the total green light to move on and that this would be the last time we were gunna talk.

I haven’t heard from him since then which was two weeks ago. I just shot him a text a couple of hours ago saying hey and he hasn’t responded. He’s a sensitive guy and I want to know from a guy’s pov how he is feeling and if I still have a chance. I still love him and I want him back terribly .. We been together for two and a half years on and off.

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Sharon!

Sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having. Your situation is fairly common, and your boyfriend is having some serious remorse over his stupid “move on and be friends” move, which backfired so hard it came back to bite him in the ass just a few weeks later.

“move on and to just remain friends” – The ‘just be friends’ part of this statement should’ve clued you in on his true intentions: he wanted you to wait around. Not saying you had any responsibility to sit back and wait around for him… you were certainly allowed to do whatever you wanted at that point. But what your boyfriend *expected* and what you actually *did* turned out to be two very different things.

Anthony Malibu - Make Your Ex Need You

This guy wasn’t ready to let you go (and still might not be). He was having a “single moment”, where he wanted to see what else was out there for him. At the same time of course, he wanted you to stick around. Staying friends was his way of keeping tabs on you, so he’d know how hung up on him you might still be… and how much time he has to do what he wants. Ideally, he wanted you to stick by and twiddle your thumbs while he made some moves. And if those moves failed? There you were, all ready to take him back.

Instead, you went out and made you own moves. Your only mistake – in my opinion – was telling him about them. When you met up again and started discussing getting back together, you probably should’ve omitted the fact that you slept with another guy. Maybe you did it out of loneliness, a rebound fling, even a little bit of getting back at him for the breakup… whatever it was, you should’ve probably kept it to yourself. If he found out later, you could always tell him you lied to spare his feelings, and that the one-time sex meant nothing. And if he never found out? No harm done.

I don’t usually advocate lying about a relationship, but in truth you weren’t together at that point. What you did was YOUR business, not his. And yes, he might even have asked if you’d been with someone else, but you know what? It’s not his place to break up with you and then demand do know what you were doing while you were rejected, hurt, and alone.

Okay, I guess you want a solution. :) At this point it’s tough, because he’s not going to get over the sex you had with this guy anytime soon. Your boyfriend is going to drill you for details (give him as little as possible), and re-hash the affair in his head over and over again. It’ll drive him crazy with jealousy, and it will make him bitter and angry. But at the same time, in the back of his mind he’ll know he brought this on himself for pulling the “let’s go on a break” stunt back at the beginning of July. Maybe you acted more quickly than most, but in the end, you really didn’t do anything wrong.

From a guy’s point of view, he CAN forgive you. It’s going to take him longer to forget. What you need to do is blow this whole thing off as almost meaningless whenever he brings it up. Tell him it was a one-shot deal, it wasn’t even that good, and you thought of him the whole time (even if you didn’t). Tell him this guy means nothing, and that if he wants to get back together you’re willing to give it a shot… but ONLY if he’s willing to forget what happened and NOT continually punish you for what he might consider cheating on him.

The worst thing you can do right now is apologize… even for ‘hurting him’. He hurt himself. You need to maintain a strong and firm stance on this, but at the same time be appreciative and gentle with his feelings. Tell him you totally understand how he’s feeling, and that you’d feel badly in the same scenario. But tell him at the time YOU were hurt, YOU were confused, and YOU sought some comfort in another guy’s arms during a very hard time. It had nothing to do with him, your relationship, or your future together.

That’s the best you can do, I’m afraid. If he hasn’t contacted you by now, I’d suggest you *completely* eliminate all calls, texts, emails, etc… He needs to wrap his head around what happened, but he also needs to realize he’s losing you if he doesn’t take a step forward in your direction. Chase him, and he’ll think he’s right and you’re wrong. But let him chase you, and it will be like he’s trying to get back something special he’s on the verge of losing – and this is what you want.

Also, there are ways of getting your ex boyfriend to call you. Check these out, some of them might help in getting him to make that first contact.

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out for you, okay?

Breakup Advice Separator

Hey Anthony, just wanted to thank you so much for the advice! Its now going on three weeks with still no contact and I’m doing my absolute best by sticking strong to your disappearing from his radar method .. He still hasn’t contacted me either ..

I guess I shouldn’t worry because it has only been three weeks. I had been reading in one of your articles that usually it takes a good six weeks for them to possibly contact. What really scares me though is when the last time I herd from him he told me that he was giving me the total green light to move on and that he is really serious about never speaking to me again. I don’t know if he is just saying that because he was hurt or if he was really serious.

He is a pretty sensitive guy so I don’t really know how to take that statement it could probably go either way. I totally agree that I shouldn’t have told him about the sex with the other guy because it was my business only. I will totally keep you updated and let you know what goes on! Thanks again and keep safe from the hurricane, us long islanders are strong though well make it through LOL 😉

Breakup Advice Separator

Haha!!! A fellow Long Islander? NICE. Enjoy the Hurricane and stay indoors!

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