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My Girlfriend Wants to Break Up With Me… Help!

Hi Anthony,

I came across your name on an article I found on the internet and I hope you can take a few mins of your time to read my problem, thanks.

Firstly I am a 28 year old male. I was going out with my ex GF for 3.5 years but we broke up just over a week ago.

apologize-to-ex-anthony-malibu

It all started 2 weekends ago when we were at a wedding and I was seated beside a gorgeous looking girl. I recognised her from college and remembered a mate of mine used to fancy her so I texted him saying that she was at the wedding and that she was looking hot etc..

The next day my girlfriend saw the text on my phone and said she was leaving me for good! I thought this was a bit drastic seen as I meant no harm whatsoever when I sent the text!

After a couple of hours of her crying she said she over-reacted slightly and that she didn’t want to break up with me and that she was just upset because she thought I fancied the other girl. Then she went to meet a female friend for about 6 hours!!

The next day she seemed to be in a mood with me again and had to leave town for a few days due to work reasons. It was her birthday then the following day and I arrived at her hotel as a surprise but she told the manager not to let me up to the room!! I couldn’t believe it.. So I rang her immediately and she was crying saying that she didn’t deserve what I did to her and that I ruined her birthday for the 2nd year in a row (the previous year I was coming to terms with her telling me that she had kissed her ex twice, so when I got drunk 1 night I texted my ex that’s all). She said she needed a few days space so I respected that and only texted her 2 or 3 times during the following 5 days.. She also said that she wasn’t going to break up with me but she needed time to get over the upset that was caused.

So the following Monday (6 days later) she arrived over to our apartment and said she wanted to break up! She said her self-esteem was ruined and that it was all my fault. She is very insecure and blames me. She is stunning looking and could get any guy she wanted but she feels that she’s not good looking enough for me and says that I should get a better looking girl for myself.. NOT TRUE! During this conversation she kept saying that she didn’t know what she wanted because she was confused but that it wasn’t fair on me to be waiting around for her to make her mind up. She said that she was holding me back and that it killed her to think that I would now be able to find myself another girlfriend..

She then left the apartment in tears saying that it was over!

That was 9 days ago.. I haven’t heard from her since. I have texted her twice in the last 9 days just to say “I hope you are ok and I’m sorry for hurting you”. She never replied!

Why did she suddenly change her mind? 3 weeks ago she told me she was so happy in our relationship and she wanted to marry me someday. She also cried 1 day to me a few weeks ago asking why I was with her when I could be with any other girl.. I don’t want any other girl. In our 3.5 years relationship I never cheated on her.. So she is obviously insecure. Ya we fight at times but who doesn’t? Over-all we used to get on great..

A few other things worth mentioning…

1) Even now her status on facebook says she is in a relationship.
2) We still have our apartment leased, neither of us are staying there, all her stuff is still there though.
3) She is checking my e-mails, I don’t mind this, but if she wants to break up with me why is she checking up on me??

So do you have any idea what’s going on in her mind? Is there any possibility I can get her back even though she won’t reply to my texts?

Thanks so much for reading this and hope to hear from you soon.

Liam

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Liam!

Sorry to hear about your girl trouble. The scenario is pretty familiar, and the word INSECURITY jumped to mind way before you mentioned it in the 2nd paragraph.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You’re entitled to have conversations and text-messages with your friend, and you’re entitled to bring up your past. The problem your girlfriend has with your past is that she wasn’t involved in it.

I think the healthiest relationships don’t have anything to hide, and I’ve never advocated password-protecting your phone or email accounts. The fact that you didn’t shows loyalty and maturity. Yet the fact that your ex is checking your email AND checked that text-message (the very next day?) shows that she’s extremely insecure and needy.

To say she overreacted is an understatement. If I were you, I would’ve been pissed. Then she apologized (which was pretty big of her), but refusing to allow you up to her hotel room was more than a little suspicious.

Most people are insecure for a reason. I’m not trying to alarm you, but a girl who’s constantly afraid you’re cheating on them (checking texts, email, etc…) or looking for someone hotter than her MAY already be cheating on you. It’s entirely possible she’s not, but people tend to channel their own guilt into insecure actions such as checking up on you, maybe even hoping (on some level) to catch you doing the same thing(s) they are.

When you said she went to see a female friend for six hours, you seemed shocked by that. Were you sure it was a female friend? The fact that she’d kissed her ex a year ago has me suspicious of that. Insecure girls *always* tend to fall back on past relationships for comfort when their current relationship hits a bump in the road. They can’t stand the thought of being alone, and it’s always easier to go back to someone who loves or loved them.

Overwhelmingly suspicious is the fact that you went all the way out to her hotel on a business trip, yet she refused to let you up to her room. Sorry bro, but I just don’t buy that. This girl is away on business after having had trouble with her boyfriend. She should be missing you like crazy and thrilled that you’re there, not turning you away in the hotel lobby. As tough as it is to say, the only thing that would keep her from seeing you would be if she already had someone there with her. Whether it be an ex or a coworker or whomever it was, she didn’t want you up because you didn’t want to get caught.

I’d question whether or not this girl is relying on someone else. At best, it could be only for comfort. At worst, she could be cheating on you. Women like this tend to build things up in their mind, and she probably worked that one little text-message you sent your friend into a big huge deal. When it got big enough, maybe she used it as an excuse to do her own thing. It’s a pretty lame way of justifying her actions, but insecurity can really blow things out of proportion.

Either way, this girl is crazy insecure. Mad at you for calling another girl hot? This is high school bullshit. After three and a half years of dating and some talk of marriage, you both should be way beyond this level of immaturity. You certainly seem to be, but she does not.

Texting her twice in the last nine days was a bad move. Apologizing was even worse. You’re essentially owning up to doing something bad, when in reality you didn’t do anything at all. This gives her justification: “He knows he fucked up!” and she gets to continue to ride the wave. It’s a lot easier to crucify you for something you ‘did’ to her (and damaging her self-esteem? Come on…) than it is to admit she’s just being an immature asshole. Insecure over another girl’s looks… jeeze, it’s like 10th grade all over again.

So what do you do? Well, for starters you need to call her one more time. If she answers, great. If not, you leave a message:

“Listen, I’m out. This is high school drama and I really don’t need it. I just wanted to let you know I’m done, so you don’t go crying that I left or abandoned the relationship without saying anything. Good luck.”

That’s it. After that, shut off your phone for a while. Don’t answer if she calls back, and don’t bother even logging in to read your email. Let her chew on this for a while, and let her worry that she’s finally pushed you too far. You’re fed up, you’re done, and she might’ve gotten you to the point of no return.

THESE things will get her on the phone rather quickly, I’d imagine. Unless she’s currently wrapped up with another guy, I’d say she calls you before the day is out. And even if she doesn’t? That’s fine too. It’s time to stop apologizing and start moving in the other direction. If she really does love you and wants to keep you as her boyfriend, she’ll need to come back on YOUR terms. That means an apology on her part, with no further apology from you.

If she brings up the subject of that text again, blow it off. Don’t even defend against it. Say something like:

“This again? Are you serious? We’re in our late 20’s, and we’re arguing over whether I called some other girl hot in a text-message you intercepted to my best friend? We might as well pass notes in study hall, because this is some real immature shit.”

Let her start questioning herself. Let her start to say: “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m overreacting.” This is the best way to get past this baby-crap, not by apologizing.

If she does come back, and you do decide to remain a couple? Pull her aside and talk with her. Tell her you really do love her, but that you’d like to take the relationship past all the baby bullshit and onto the next level. Tell her that although hot girls DO exist in the world, you only have eyes for her, and she should feel comfortable in knowing that you think she’s the hottest girl of all. And she’s YOUR girl, and that should be good enough for her.

If she does come back, let her know you want the drama taken down a few notches. Don’t give up control. Stay strong. Don’t apologize every five minutes because she blames you for something. She’s primarily responsible for her OWN happiness, and you shouldn’t be blamed for her insecurities. The more you bow your head and say you’re sorry, the more she feels vindicated in abusing your love for her.

Good luck man, and let me know how it turns out. It’s tough dating hot chicks. And if I were you, I’d seriously check up on what she’s doing… if only for your own edification.

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My Ex Hasn’t Responded for 2 Weeks – What Can I Do?

Hi Anthony!

My name is Sharon and I have been reading your relationship articles for a while now and they seem to help, but I am in a very strange situation with my ex and I was wondering if you can help me out.In the beginning of July my ex broke up with me because he told me that it was the right time to move on and to just remain friends. A week after he broke up with me I had sex with another guy.

A couple of days after my ex broke up with me he would still text me everyday and remained contact. A couple of weeks later we began to hang out a lot and started to discuss getting back together. I told him about the other guy that I hooked up with and he started crying and was very upset the next day he told me he was shocked and confused and very hurt because he told me he still had feelings for me when we broke up. Then he told me that he’s giving me the total green light to move on and that this would be the last time we were gunna talk.

I haven’t heard from him since then which was two weeks ago. I just shot him a text a couple of hours ago saying hey and he hasn’t responded. He’s a sensitive guy and I want to know from a guy’s pov how he is feeling and if I still have a chance. I still love him and I want him back terribly .. We been together for two and a half years on and off.

Breakup Advice Separator

Hi Sharon!

Sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having. Your situation is fairly common, and your boyfriend is having some serious remorse over his stupid “move on and be friends” move, which backfired so hard it came back to bite him in the ass just a few weeks later.

“move on and to just remain friends” – The ‘just be friends’ part of this statement should’ve clued you in on his true intentions: he wanted you to wait around. Not saying you had any responsibility to sit back and wait around for him… you were certainly allowed to do whatever you wanted at that point. But what your boyfriend *expected* and what you actually *did* turned out to be two very different things.

Anthony Malibu - Make Your Ex Need You

This guy wasn’t ready to let you go (and still might not be). He was having a “single moment”, where he wanted to see what else was out there for him. At the same time of course, he wanted you to stick around. Staying friends was his way of keeping tabs on you, so he’d know how hung up on him you might still be… and how much time he has to do what he wants. Ideally, he wanted you to stick by and twiddle your thumbs while he made some moves. And if those moves failed? There you were, all ready to take him back.

Instead, you went out and made you own moves. Your only mistake – in my opinion – was telling him about them. When you met up again and started discussing getting back together, you probably should’ve omitted the fact that you slept with another guy. Maybe you did it out of loneliness, a rebound fling, even a little bit of getting back at him for the breakup… whatever it was, you should’ve probably kept it to yourself. If he found out later, you could always tell him you lied to spare his feelings, and that the one-time sex meant nothing. And if he never found out? No harm done.

I don’t usually advocate lying about a relationship, but in truth you weren’t together at that point. What you did was YOUR business, not his. And yes, he might even have asked if you’d been with someone else, but you know what? It’s not his place to break up with you and then demand do know what you were doing while you were rejected, hurt, and alone.

Okay, I guess you want a solution. :) At this point it’s tough, because he’s not going to get over the sex you had with this guy anytime soon. Your boyfriend is going to drill you for details (give him as little as possible), and re-hash the affair in his head over and over again. It’ll drive him crazy with jealousy, and it will make him bitter and angry. But at the same time, in the back of his mind he’ll know he brought this on himself for pulling the “let’s go on a break” stunt back at the beginning of July. Maybe you acted more quickly than most, but in the end, you really didn’t do anything wrong.

From a guy’s point of view, he CAN forgive you. It’s going to take him longer to forget. What you need to do is blow this whole thing off as almost meaningless whenever he brings it up. Tell him it was a one-shot deal, it wasn’t even that good, and you thought of him the whole time (even if you didn’t). Tell him this guy means nothing, and that if he wants to get back together you’re willing to give it a shot… but ONLY if he’s willing to forget what happened and NOT continually punish you for what he might consider cheating on him.

The worst thing you can do right now is apologize… even for ‘hurting him’. He hurt himself. You need to maintain a strong and firm stance on this, but at the same time be appreciative and gentle with his feelings. Tell him you totally understand how he’s feeling, and that you’d feel badly in the same scenario. But tell him at the time YOU were hurt, YOU were confused, and YOU sought some comfort in another guy’s arms during a very hard time. It had nothing to do with him, your relationship, or your future together.

That’s the best you can do, I’m afraid. If he hasn’t contacted you by now, I’d suggest you *completely* eliminate all calls, texts, emails, etc… He needs to wrap his head around what happened, but he also needs to realize he’s losing you if he doesn’t take a step forward in your direction. Chase him, and he’ll think he’s right and you’re wrong. But let him chase you, and it will be like he’s trying to get back something special he’s on the verge of losing – and this is what you want.

Also, there are ways of getting your ex boyfriend to call you. Check these out, some of them might help in getting him to make that first contact.

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out for you, okay?

Breakup Advice Separator

Hey Anthony, just wanted to thank you so much for the advice! Its now going on three weeks with still no contact and I’m doing my absolute best by sticking strong to your disappearing from his radar method .. He still hasn’t contacted me either ..

I guess I shouldn’t worry because it has only been three weeks. I had been reading in one of your articles that usually it takes a good six weeks for them to possibly contact. What really scares me though is when the last time I herd from him he told me that he was giving me the total green light to move on and that he is really serious about never speaking to me again. I don’t know if he is just saying that because he was hurt or if he was really serious.

He is a pretty sensitive guy so I don’t really know how to take that statement it could probably go either way. I totally agree that I shouldn’t have told him about the sex with the other guy because it was my business only. I will totally keep you updated and let you know what goes on! Thanks again and keep safe from the hurricane, us long islanders are strong though well make it through LOL 😉

Breakup Advice Separator

Haha!!! A fellow Long Islander? NICE. Enjoy the Hurricane and stay indoors!

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