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6 Huge Misconceptions About Staying Friends With Your Ex

“Let’s be friends…” Sounds good, right? As if you and your ex will still be able to see each other, talk to each other, even hang out together and have some more good times?

Anthony Malibu - Stay Friends With Ex

It’s win-win for everyone, at least in your mind. The relationship is over but the contact doesn’t have to end.

The closeness you shared doesn’t have to go away, because you and your ex boyfriend or girlfriend are going to defy they odds; somehow, you’re going to make the post-breakup friendship work, even if it kills you. Right?

Yeah, right.

The sad truth of things is this: there are two possible scenarios after someone breaks up with you. One, is that you no longer want or need them in your life. And in that case, you go your separate ways.

The second scenario is where your lover breaks up with you, but you keep hanging on. Since you weren’t ready for the romance to end, you’re looking for any excuse – no matter how thin – to stay in touch and actually be with them again.

It’s for this reason that many people JUMP at the chance to “stay friends” when their ex offers it. They’re not ready to let go. They think that being friends with an ex can help get them back, or that eventually this person will realize how much they miss being your boyfriend or girlfriend, and jump back into a relationship with and date them again.

Unfortunately, it’s not even close to that easy.

Going from friends to lovers – after you’ve dated already – is mostly a fantasy. It happens in books, in movies. It happens in real life too, but the ‘lovers’ thing lasts only for one night, and afterward your ex goes back to their single life, leaving you feel used and cheated.

In short, you cannot be friends with an ex if you still love them.

PERIOD. End of story. If you’re honest with yourself and you know that you still have feelings, staying friends with this person is only going to hurt ten times as much.

And not only that… it’s going to push your ex away, too. Every breakup has a window of opportunity for reversing itself; EVERY single time someone dumps you there’s always a way back.

But when you become friends with that person? The road back into their heart becomes that much longer. It’s an uphill climb, and you’ve basically decimated your chances of making them need you again.

Below are 6 of the biggest myths involving getting back together after staying friends with your ex. By the time you’re finished reading them, you’ll understand exactly why the road back into your boyfriend or girlfriend’s heart does NOT lead through some made-up “friendship”.

Myth 1 – As Friends, You’ll Still Keep in Constant Contact

Sorry, but no. First of all, your ex dumped you for a reason. He or she no longer sees you as datable, and they’re going to be looking somewhere (and at someone) else.

So will your new ‘friend’ still call and text and email with you? Yeah, sure. For a while. But the second this person finds somebody else, or even gets interested in somebody else, that contact will drop off so fast it’ll make your head spin and your heart sink.

Also, the amount of contact will never be the same. It won’t be anywhere near the amount of texts and calls you made to each other during the relationship. As such, it’ll be a disappointment for you. You’ll wonder why your ex isn’t staying in touch as much as he or she used to, and that will make you wonder what ELSE they’re doing without you.

Myth 2 – As Friends, You and Your Ex Will Still Hang Out

Sure. Maybe. But again, nowhere NEAR as much as before.

For the most part, your ex will call you when they have nothing to do. Remember: they’re single now, and they’ve got a whole new list of things they can do without you.

This list includes seeing old friends, going places, being in groups where they can potentially meet other people… and you staying at home and watching these things from the outside. When your ex does include you in these events, you’ll watch jealously as your former boyfriend or girlfriend ends up talking to other people (and potential dates). You’ll feel awkward, having been downgraded to “just a friend”, and you won’t know where your place is.

And yes, your ex might even come over for sexual reasons. You’ll hook up, even though you’re no longer dating. The sex will be good, and you’ll have a great time, and in the back of your mind you’ll tell yourself that you can handle it. But you know what? You can’t. Because residual feelings and emotional bonds will make you want MORE than just friends with benefits.

Can sleeping with your ex help get them back? Read LOTS more about that here.

Myth 3 – Staying Friends Lets You Keep Track of Your Ex

Somewhat, yes. You’ll still be Facebook friends, you’ll still follow your ex on Instagram, and you’ll still be privy to some of the things he or she does every day.

Your ex will also call and text you. They’ll tell you about their day, get some advice from you at times, and all that other good stuff friends do. That part is true, to an extent.

But you know what? Anything your ex doesn’t want you to see will remain a mystery. Anything they think will hurt your feelings will be something they HIDE from you. And because you’re no longer dating this person, you can’t even push for details. You’re not entitled to know where your ex went anymore, or who he/she hung out with, or when they got back from the bar or club.

This will ultimately drive you crazy: the not knowing. Seeing only PART of the picture is worse than seeing nothing at all. You’ll have no power over your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend’s actions, and this will frustrate you lots more than if you didn’t know anything about their life. In that respect, being friends with an ex is worse than a standard breakup.

Myth 4 – Being Friends Will Draw You Closer Together

Another misconception is that friendship simplifies the relationship. You’re no longer dating so you no longer have to fight. No more arguing, no more petty jealousy, no more “you didn’t call or text me back…” – that stuff flies out the window, leaving behind a nice, peaceful interaction between the two of you.

To an extent this is actually true. However, understand that as the friendship goes on, your ex will ONLY see you as a friend. Eventually, that’s all you really become to them.

Why? Because you’ve made the whole thing so comfortable. You’ve created a situation that’s better than actually dating them. If your ex is enjoying most (or all) of the benefits of having you around, with none of the drawbacks or limitations of an actual relationship, why the HELL would he or she want to ever go back to dating you again? You’ve created a stress-free Utopian paradise that they’ll never really want to leave!

Myth 5 – Old Sparks Will Eventually Start Flying Again

Wrong. Mostly because being around each other is an awkward situation for the both of you.

Sorry, but this type of friendship is never TRULY a friendship. One person ‘won’ the breakup, and the other person lost it. The loser is you, which means that your boyfriend or girlfriend still holds all the cards right now. They know you still have feelings for them (no matter how well you’ve convinced yourself you’ve hidden it). And because of that, they’ll always hold power over you.

While you both pretend to be buddies with each other, your ex will never really open his or her heart to you. Not fully, and not while they still believe you WANT them.

Getting back together with an ex is all about making them NEED you again. They have to miss you. You have to actually go away.

None of those things happened so far, if you’re still palling around with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. They can’t possibly miss you when all they need to do is look down at their phone and see that you’ve been talking to them every single day.

Sexual sparks might fly, as we talked about above, but those will mostly be one-shot deals. Your ex will get horny, and you’ll be a very likely candidate for sex. Still, this doesn’t usually mean anything. And in the cases where the sex didn’t mean much to your ex, you’re definitely going to get hurt.

Myth 6 – Your Ex Will Ultimately ‘See the Light’ & Want You Back

It’s almost a bit sad, but this has to be said: your ex rejected you for a reason. And until you find out exactly what that reason was – and correct it – you’re never going to convince your ex to get back together as a couple with you.

Again, it goes back to comfort. As long as your former lover is made comfortable around you, he or she has ZERO INCENTIVE to take you back. First of all, it’s obvious you still want them. It’s obvious you’re staying friends with an ulterior motive. And as long as they know this? They’ll always feel comfortable in knowing they can get you back anytime they want to.

This keeps the breakup going. It makes it last and last. That’s because for your ex, there’s no downside. They get to play the field and look for someone better while you’re still circling around them in a holding pattern waiting for table scraps.

Harsh? Yeah. But it’s also the truth. And if you REALLY want a relationship rather than a friendship, you’re going to have to face those hard truths in order to get past the idea of “staying friends” after breaking up.

What to Do If You’ve Become Friends With Your Ex

Already friends with your ex? You have only one real opening move. The sooner you make it, the sooner you can break out of the Friend Zone and start on the actual path to winning your lover back.

Remember: the window of opportunity is there. But it doesn’t stay open forever. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. And the more you allow yourself to sink deeper and deeper into the role of “just a friend” with your ex? The further away you’ll always be.

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3 Surefire Ways to Escape the FRIEND ZONE

The Friend Zone… we’ve all been there. We’ve all dreaded it, and we’ve all tried to escape.

Fact is, very few guys have escaped. Most of them get stuck there forever, drifting further and further away from ever dating this girl who considers them nothing more than a ‘friend’.

Friend Zone

Others botch the situation to the point where it’s almost painful. They do everything for these girls. They take them places, they buy them expensive things. They do more for them than even their boyfriends do, and yet these girls still see them as nothing more than “just a friend”.

If you’re in the Friend Zone right now, it’s time to get out. It’s time to sack up and actually do something. You want to date this girl? DO IT. Don’t deliver some lame excuse such as being “afraid of losing the friendship” when in actuality you want her as a girlfriend more than anything else in the world.

The following three methods will get you out of the Friend Zone. Read them, study them, and then pick the one that’s right for you. But first? Read these 8 Things All Women Are Attracted To and make sure you’re exhibiting at least six or more of these qualities.

Okay, now let’s break out of the Friend Zone once and for all:

Ask Her Out. On a DATE. Yes. An Actual DATE.

Most guys stuck as “just a friend” don’t realize they’re the ones keeping themselves from succeeding. Because to break out of the Friend Zone? You actually have to take that giant leap forward and ask this girl out.

No, ‘going out’ with her places doesn’t count. All those movies, dinners, long drives or walks together… none of that means Jack Squat. You did those things as her FRIEND. You were stuck in a place where none of that stuff earned you any potential boyfriend credit.

Here’s what you do. Next time you’re with this girl, and the weekend is coming up, you tell her:

“Hey. I’m taking you out this Saturday. ON A DATE. Yes, a DATE date.
And no, you can’t say no. The only thing you can tell me right now is
what time I’m picking you up.”

At this point your ‘friend’ will act dismayed. Is she really? Hell no. Because 100% of the girls who say stuff like “I can’t believe he asked me out! I had no idea he really liked me as more than a friend!” are flat out lying about it.

GIRLS KNOW. They ALWAYS know. There’s not a girl on this planet who can’t tell whether you’re into her or not, especially after having spent so much time with you. So as she acts all taken aback and pretends to pick her jaw up off the floor? You tell her:

“Please, spare it. You KNOW I like you. And you know what? You like me too.
We’ve hung out enough and gotten along so well it’s way past time we
at LEAST gave something like this a shot.”

And there it is. Your cards are out on the table. Rather than pretending to be this girl’s good buddy for the next several years, you’ve flat out admitted that you like her.

The trick here is to do this CONFIDENTLY. If you do it in a sheepish way, she’s gonna balk. If you do it weakly, or if you ask her lamely “do you like me the way I like you?” you come across as a total pushover wuss. Which is certainly not attractive, when it comes to being her possible BOYFRIEND.

Asking a girl out that you’ve known for a long time is flattering. She’s going to appreciate that. Doing it like this makes her rethink your friendship. She’s already classified you as “just a friend”, and now suddenly you’re going to be re-classified… hopefully into a potential boyfriend.

Withdraw the Friendship – Disappear From Her Life and Let Her See That She Needs You

This method stands on its own. But it can also be particularly successful if you’ve already tried method #1 and she failed to go out with you.

Here, you’re going to capitalize on the fact that this girl relies on you. She’s leaned on you for friendship (and companionship and advice) for so long, she’s developed a sort of dependency. And the best thing to do in that case? Is to take yourself away.

Stop responding to her. Don’t answer her calls, don’t reply to her text messages. When your friend finally gets back in touch with you and asks what’s up? Tell her “Listen, let’s meet up, we have to talk.”

Eventually, sit her down face to face (don’t do it over text or something stupid like that) and tell her:

“Look. I LIKE you. As a friend, sure, but also as much more than a friend.
You’d have to be crazy not to see it by now.”

She’ll get quiet. Most girls do. Or maybe she’ll even say something, but whatever it is you continue with:

“I can’t be ‘just friends’ with you anymore. It’s too hard. You’re too fucking awesome and we get along too ridiculously well for us not to at least TRY to date each other.
We would be stupid not to.”

Your goal here is to convince her to give things a shot. To reconsider and reclassify you based on how well you’ve gotten along as friends. If she’s dated a bunch of jerks, mention that. If she’s never happy with the guys she picks, point it out. Then point out how you’ve gotten along so well for so long, and how dumb it would be not to try and take things to the next level.

If she doesn’t agree to go out with you, she’ll probably counter with “I don’t want to risk our friendship.” And here’s where you have to get hard. It’s a tough thing to do, but here’s where you tell her:

“Well that’s the thing – I can’t be friends with you anymore. I feel too close to you. It’s not friendship for me anymore, and if I told you it was I’d only be pretending.”

After that, walk away. Wish her well. Don’t cry or pout or act all bitter about it – do it as if it’s the most matter-of-fact thing in the world. By ripping the Band-Aid off quickly, you’re giving her a shock. She has to decide whether not seeing you at all is something she can cope with, or if maybe, just maybe she should be viewing you in a different way.

Again, you need to do this with an air of cool confidence. You CANNOT be weak. You CANNOT go for the ‘pity’ date, or you’ll just look like an asshole. Remember: either she dates you or she doesn’t date you, but there’s no middle ground. There’s no going back to “just friends” because it’s a convenient, safe place for her.

The Big Commitment: Go in for the Kiss

This method is the ballsiest, but it also provides the most instant reward. You’re going to go full-out here, balls to the wall. Sink or swim.

Next time you’re supposed to hang out with this girl, make sure you look and feel your absolute best. Take her somewhere cool. Somewhere that could even be considered romantic, like a beach, or a quiet, darkened restaurant. Talk her up, and no matter what you have to do, make her laugh. And just as she’s finished laughing?

Lean in and plant one on her lips.

DON’T do it hesitantly. DON’T pull back. Kiss her like you really mean it. Like you’ve been kissing her for years and years.

One of two things will happen here. Either she’ll go with it – in which case you’re on the final rung of the ladder leading out of the Friend Zone – or she’ll pull away from you. No matter what happens though, make no apologies for what you did.

“Look, you’re awesome. I’m tired of pretending you’re not. I’m sick of being the ‘friend’ to such an amazing, cool girl. I want to be something more, and I want you to want that too.”

The worst thing you can do is berate yourself, or say “I’m sorry I did that…” or any of that kind of stuff. BE A MAN. Make no bones about the fact that you’re attracted to this girl, and make no excuses for wanting to be with her. She may not have been ready for you to kiss her like that, but she certainly has to see you differently. You’re out of the Friend Zone one way or the other, and that’s always a good thing. A girl will let you sit in the Friend Zone forever if you don’t do something to help yourself out.

Understand something: discomfort or embarrassment are fleeting. REGRET IS FOREVER. You’re far better off giving things a try than just sitting there acting like a goofball “friend” to this girl when you really want something more.

And to be honest? Some of these girls are waiting for you to make the first move. Imagine how hard you’ll kick yourself 5, 10, 15 years down the line when you run into this girl again and playfully say “I wonder why we never dated?” only to hear her reply “Well, probably because you never actually asked me out!”

NEVER feel ashamed that you tried to be with someone. NEVER feel bad about opening up and telling them your feelings. The worst that can happen is you go home alone. The best that could happen is you go home together.

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