First of all, I enjoy reading your articles about how to get the exboyfriend back. It makes a lot of sense. But that exboyfriend of mine is saying to me, “I’m way down the road,” and also, “I have lost feelings for you.” The reasons he left we could fix together, for sure, but he never talked about how unhappy he was in the relationship before the breakup. We just abruptly broke up. Here are the reasons for the breakup: My obsession with rescuing animals, (no time for him), religious issue(my saying grace over the food whenever), drinking/partying issue (can\’t drink much, diabetic), no sex issue. That’s it.
He said he lost sexual attraction for me. Since then I have stop rescuing, gotten rid of all my animals except 4 cats. I told him that. I have a lot of time for him. I pleaded with him to give me another chance. He was negative about it. Said he lost all feelings for me. That we should go find better people to be with.
We never argued, and always went on fabulous vacations, had a blast every time. I have given him his space, but have sent him emails that he has totally ignored. His ex wife who I\’m friends with told me that he has moved on, and I should too. I even sent him an invite out for a drink, but he didn\’t respond at all. Would you method work on him? How can I work my way back? I love him. Thanks, Margery
Sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having with your boyfriend! It’s always sad to hear about stuff like this. You sound like you’ve been a good girlfriend and you’ve done just about everything possible to keep the relationship going, only to have him continually reject your attempts at fixing things.
It sounds a lot like he is losing interest, but it’s hard to really know until you’ve actually let him go yourself. So far you haven’t done that. Your constant attention to him (calling, going to his hockey game, inviting him out for drinks) is a constant reminder that you’re still there, waiting for him, wanting him, ready to take him back the moment he gets bored or feels like he needs you. Only he won’t feel like he needs you until he turns, looks to see where you are, and finds out that you’ve already gone away.
When’s the last time you talked to him? Emailed or texted him? What happens if you stop all contact – does he eventually call or email you? The fact he kissed you before his hockey game may have been a good sign, but I need to know more about how long he lets a lack of contact ‘go’ before he starts missing you or needing to hear from you.
I find it sad that you’ve changed so many of your basic traits for him. Rescuing animals is an amazing thing (I’m a big dog-lover), and you gave it up for him. I couldn’t imagine giving up pets for anyone! And although I’m not too religious, I would never begrudge anyone who is, much less someone who likes to say grace. Seems like you’ve bent over backward for him.
Give me a shout and let me know how things are going. I’m pulling for you!
Thanks Anthony for your reply.
I saw him on Dec 2nd. That was when I went out to his house to take Christmas gifts to his sisters. I spent half a day, and hockey game that night. He let me touch him, and snuggle with him on the couch, even though he told me that afternoon that he had lost all feelings for me. That’s when he called me darling, pumpkin, baby. He ask me to go to Walmart with him to get more lights. Then I went to his hockey game that evening. We kissed each other before he went out on the ice for good luck. I watched his entire game. After the game and he cleaned up, I waited for him. I said that I’ll go get my clothes and spend the night with him. He said why don’t we wait another night that we don’t have to work. Said okay. He walked me to the car, and we both kissed again and hugged. I left, and called his sister that lives with him and told her I thought we were getting back together. But, when he got home, she said she asked him if we were getting back together, and he said no, and she said I told her about spending the night, and he said he didn’t tell me that. Next day I got the bad email from him of not getting back together as before. What changed him?
I haven’t spoken to him since. But I did email him, send a hand written to his house, and sent the nude picture of me on text. That all was last month too. He hasn’t called me at all. Neither has he responded to any of the emails I sent him.
For 10 years he phoned me every day when he is on the road. He travels weekly for his work, leaving on Monday and returning on Thursday. Thursday night he plays hockey, Saturday morning, and Sunday night. We get together in between. Also, I had the animals to take care of. Even a blind cat I fed everyday down the street for 2 years until I had to put it to sleep.
He would say that I need to get rid of some of those____cats. I even had turtles that I rescued also to feed. Big responsibility. That was the only thing I heard him complain about.
I’m back to the no contact rule. I have cut of even his sisters, and his ex wife from talking with them or emailing them. They feel really bad for me. We were all close, and enjoyed each others company. Do you think there is hope. I don’t want to make a mistake and lose him for good.
How do I rekindle the spark between us? Anthony, you are the expert in these matters.
He lives 40 minutes away from me. I don’t know if he misses me, cause when we broke up he was going places, like Las Vegas with his buddies, trying to stay away from Houston. He went to Cancun with some friends and their 20 yr old daughters/friends. I was suppose to go on that trip with him too. But he didn’t include me because we had already broken up. What do you suggest I do that would get him interested. Make him jealous?
Sounds like you’re doing the right things right now.
The last few months have been full of holidays. This means he’s been around people, family, etc… You said yourself that he vacationed a lot as well. All of this means he’s had zero to no time alone, and that translates to little to no time missing you.
Perhaps in the coming weeks he’ll miss you more, simply because everything dies down. There are no more holidays until Easter (except for Valentine’s day, which is when he’ll certainly think of you) and he’ll be home more.
Cutting yourself off from his family is a good move. Cutting off all contact, including Facebook, etc… is a GREAT one. If you’re still friends on Facebook, I’d suggest disconnecting that tie. As hard as it might be, it’ll make him nervous that maybe, just maybe, you’re finally moving on.
Do you think he’s got someone else? I don’t mean to get too personal, but how often was the sex between you? If he’s gone from having a constant sex life to having none at all, I’d wonder if maybe he’s not seeing another girl. But if there was little to no sex toward the end of the relationship to begin with, that’ll make it a bit harder for him to miss you.
In the end you’ve done what he asked (with the animals). When you DO start talking to him again, make sure he realizes you’ll have a lot more time for him. But don’t make it sound like you’re desperate to be with him either. Doing your own thing – and yes, perhaps making him jealous – is the best thing you can do at this point.
Unfortunately we haven’t had sex for quite some time (3 years), hard to believe. But, he never overtly said to me, “hey what’s wrong here?” I really didn’t think he wanted any cause he never said anything. He told me the last time I saw him that he hinted to me. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the move. He didn’t communicate to me that he was unhappy with our relationship at any time. He could be seeing someone now, and that is why he is ignoring me. I guess I could try to make him jealous with going out with someone else.
And I will disconnect his family from my face book. I have already unfriended him. He has not blocked me from his face book either.
I will keep you posted. Do you think that I have lost him forever? I pray that he comes back around.
Well, the no sex thing is tough. Not saying it’s anyone’s fault in particular, but if he hasn’t touched you in that long he might not be interested in sex at all anymore.
Beyond sex however, there are many other methods of attachment. Did you ever live together? It’s hard to cut someone out of your life that you’ve been seeing and talking to every day. He wouldn’t just do that without another person to make the transition more seamless, which is why I think maybe he’s got someone else. Even if not physically, mentally and emotionally.
As cool as it is that you’re friends with his family, and even his ex wife, those casual everyday relationships are stacking the deck against you. The more you talk to them – even about innocent little things – the more he’ll hear about it (and the less he’ll need to hear from you).
Right now his ex-wife is saying stuff like “Oh, she’s still hung up on you… poor thing. I told her you’ve moved on and she should too.” Translated to him: this girl isn’t going anywhere ANYTIME soon. Which means he can pretty much blow you off and do whatever he wants, knowing he can get you back anytime.
To fix this situation, you need to cut off all possible information your ex boyfriend could get about you: friends, family, co-workers, etc… This will create distance. Mystery. Suddenly you’ve disappeared, and he doesn’t know where you are. He’s not sure whether or not he can get you back, and that leads to something extremely important (possibly even most important): him second-guessing himself.
While you’re doing this, you need to go out and have the best possible time without him. When and if he does hear anything about you, it should be that you were out laughing and having a great time. He should hear – through the grapevine and not directly – that you’ve been going places and doing things and NOT ASKING ABOUT HIM AT ALL. And yes, if you happen to go out on a few dates with someone else? That’s certain to spark jealousy, which in turn will spark his interest. You don’t have to throw yourself at the first guy you see, or even get serious about anyone… just going out casually with a guy or guy(s) should be enough – when coupled with a complete lack of contact on your part – to let him know he’d better do one of two things: step up and get back in touch with you OR face the possibility of losing you for good.
I’m not entirely sure you’ve lost him forever. He’s gone quite some time without initiating contact, but then again, you’ve been the one contacting him. Calling him. Sending him invites and photos. Those things might be enough to feed his ego and make him strong. Take them away and he might weaken, only time will tell. You just have to be absolutely extreme in your no contact. Even the smallest “most innocent” email or text could break weeks of silence.
Let’s see what happens on Valentine’s day. If you’re completely silent between then and now, I wonder if he won’t at least send you an e-card or email mentioning that he’s thinking about you. What do you think?
Anthony, You are great! Thank you so much.
I really appreciate your guidance. God knows I need it.
The sex thing, well when I went out to his house the second time, and we were setting on the couch close together he let me put my hand almost on his leg very close to his you know what without taking his hand away either. I was surprised because in the near past he would move my hand away. And remember the night of the hockey game we talked about spending the night together, and then he changed his mind the next day.
I’m going to unfriend his relatives on my face book too like you said would help me. I never lived with him. We talked about marriage, but he didn’t want all those animals around him he said in his house. He’s not an animal person either.
I don’t think he would send me a Valentine. He always sent me flowers at work or just give them to me on the weekend when I would see him. If he’s dating someone then he will probably get them the Valentine. I need to find out if he is dating someone. Thanks again so much, Margery