Reconnecting With Your Ex: Making First Contact After the Break

Going the No Contact approach requires you to cut all lines of communication between you and your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. But eventually, to get them back? You'll need to re-open some sort of connection.

Contacting an Ex
Post-breakup contact: know when to reconnect
with your ex, and exactly what to say.

Your ex is easily accessible, and this is the scary part. Anyone can pick up the phone and just make a call, or send a text, or shoot an email. But those trying to get back after an unwanted breakup need to be very careful about what they do, what they say, and especially, the timing involved with making such contact.

The best case scenario of course, would be your ex calling YOU. This is more easily accomplished than you might think, as there are certain tips and tricks you can use that will get your ex to call or contact you.

Beyond that, the possibility exists that you'll need to make that first move. If this is the case you'll need to know exactly when to make that connection, and how to do it in such a way that your boyfriend or girlfriend will actually be dying to hear from you again.

The good news? If you've followed steps 1 through 4 you're already in a solid position. You've withdrawn with your dignity intact, counter-rejected your ex, and walked away agreeing with the breakup. You've followed that up immediately with a few solid weeks of no contact, giving your ex time to miss having you in his or her life while wondering if maybe you haven't moved on.

THIS is when you can take the next step toward getting back with an ex, and not a second before. THIS is when you've positioned yourself for success, and you've regained most of the power and control you gave up to your ex when he or she dumped you.

When is it Okay To Call or Contact an Ex Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

So when it comes to no contact, how long is long enough? Exactly how long do you need to wait in silence before reaching out or calling your ex girlfriend or boyfriend?

There are certain factors to consider before answering this question. First, how long have you gone STRICTLY no contact? Second, has your ex tried to get in touch with you? Remember, even the smallest little token contact means something when it comes to a breakup. If you've texted your ex just to say 'hello', you've already put yourself right back to square one. And if you've responded to texts, emails, or calls made by them? You've basically shown your hand.

That said, the longest you should wait before getting back in touch with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is five to six weeks. And the shortest amount of time you should go no contact seems to be between three weeks and one month.

A month is the minimum no-contact period when trying to get an ex to miss you and need you back. Waiting this long gives them the chance to really see what their life will be like without you in it. It also gives both you and your boyfriend or girlfriend a chance to cool down, especially if the relationship ended in a huge fight. If words were exchanged and feelings were hurt, four or even five weeks is just long enough to blunt the jagged sharpness of any harsh things that may have been said between you and your ex, and to allow certain wounds to heal.

And yes, a month does seem like a very long time. But you know what? Any less time just isn't long enough. You need to display a certain indifference and independence in order for your ex to want you back. This can't be accomplished if you're jumping right back to the phone calls and text-messages just a few short weeks after the break.

Ways To Get Back In Touch With Your Ex - Making First Contact

Before even thinking about taking a step in this direction, you'll need a thorough game plan. This means knowing what to say to your ex on the phone, how to speak to them, and even when to make contact. Without these things already mapped out, you're going to come across as a stuttering, bumbling, foolish mess.

Calling your ex is usually your best option when reestablishing contact, especially if you haven't heard from or seen them in a while. There are exceptions of you happen to work with your ex or see them on a daily basis (at school, etc...), but generally a phone call is the best way.

First Contact With Ex
Texting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend
is a poor way to initiate that first contact.

NEVER try to reconnect with an ex who recently broke up with you through text-messaging, or even worse, Facebook. These are the most informal and lame methods of making contact, and you'll instantly look weak and desperate.

Remember: CONFIDENCE is king. You can't be confident in a text message, or by writing on your boyfriend or girlfriend's Facebook wall. When you talk to your ex for the first time since breaking up, you'll need to be calm, cool, and totally in control. How you speak to your ex is almost as important as what you say to them.

Finally, in making that first phone call, you'll have to give a reason for calling this person. Below are some of the more legitimate reasons you can give for calling you ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend:

  • You left something *significant* at your ex's house that you need back
  • Calling to say happy birthday to your ex (only on your ex's birthday)
  • Having found something *significant* that belongs to your ex at your home
  • Congratulating your ex for a recent event in their life; graduation, promotion, etc...
  • Calling to see how a sick family member is doing (if you were close enough with their family)

Each of the above reasons are semi-legitimate "ice-breakers" you can use for iniating first contact. Remember: you're calling your ex after approximately a month of no contact. They won't be as suspecting of your motives by now, and their guard should be down. And if you played your cards right? Your ex should also be very eager to hear from you, making any conversation you have with each other a whole lot easier.

How To Talk To Your Ex For The First Time Since Breaking Up

Okay, so you've finally got your ex on the phone after all this time. What do you say? What exactly don't you say? How can you convince your ex that they should want you back, without tipping your hand and showing them how much you still miss them?

Well first of all, you don't try to convince your ex of anything. This first phone call or contact has one purpose and one purpose only: to make your ex want to hear from you again. That's it - that's all you want to accomplish on this first go around, and that's really all you can hope to get out of it. Trying to fix your breakup during first contact is only going to ruin your chances of ever getting back together again, and your ex will feel as if you're pushing them into something.

Indifference... distance... these are the things you need to convey while talking to an ex. You're trying to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend to start chasing YOU right now, so you don't want to seem too accessible.

But at the same time? You want to seem happy. Outgoing. Enthusiastic and successful. It should seem to your ex that everything is going great for you, and this is what will throw them. Remember, your ex thinks you're still mourning the breakup, and are still crushed by the fact that they let you go. First contact is all about showing them how wrong they are about this, and how since the breakup, you seem to be getting along even better without them.

Your first contact with an ex should also be something else very important: short. You don't want to stay on the phone very long, or things between you will quickly get awkward. Although you might feel there's lots to say - especially since it's been so long since you've talked - one of the more crucial things to remember, right now anyway, is that LESS IS MORE.

So when it comes to what to say? Your conversation should look something like:

"Hey stranger! What's up?"

Again, be casual. Be confident. Be happy, but not overly excited. You're looking for a simple reconnection, not a deep conversation, and this should help you keep an easygoing composure.

At this point give them the reason why you're calling. Don't over-explain yourself, make it a quick, innocent, matter-of-fact reason you dialed your ex's number.

"It's nice to hear your voice again. How's things?"

There's nothing wrong with letting your ex know it's nice to hear from them. You're conveying a certain past-relationship comeradarie without coming off as overly interested. You're also staying casual, and turning the conversation back in their direction.

Talking to Your Ex
Calling your ex while you're not at home is a
good way to stay casual and avoid seeming nervous.

This is a good thing, because when making this sort of contact you always want your ex to do most of the talking. Talking about themselves will relax your ex, and allow them to open up to you a bit. And since you're not saying much about your own situation, it gives your exboyfriend or exgirlfriend the chance to start asking about you.

If and when this happens, remember to say as little as possible. Don't tell your ex how much you miss them, or how miserable you've been without them... instead, tell them about all the cool things you've been doing since the breakup.

Remember - you've been hanging with friends, going new places, doing fun things - there's no need to get into the details here, but you definitely want to give your ex the sense that life goes on without them. And in fact, from what they're seeing? Life seems pretty damn good without them to boot.

Another simple trick to ease your mind and boost your confidence? Call your ex while you're out doing something. Maybe you're at the gym, the library, or the mall... because you're out doing something else (other than staring at your bedroom wall), you'll be a lot less nervous or intimated. And the fact that you called while busy shows that your ex that you're active, and perhaps you called them as an afterthought rather than for more serious reasons.

The conversation you have with your ex should be mostly small talk, and you shouldn't allow it to go on for more than three or four minutes. At that point, YOU need to end the phone call. Doing this puts you in much more control than if you let your ex end the conversation.

"Hey listen, it's been great talking to you but I gotta run. This week is kind of shot,
but call me next week if you want and we can catch up some more. Cool?"

Getting off the phone like this puts you in the driver's seat for more contact. You're ending the call yourself, leaving your ex wondering why you'd get off the phone with them so quickly. You're also appearing very busy - so busy in fact, that you're unavailable the whole rest of the week. This will get your ex thinking more than anything else.

Also, you told your ex to call you if they want. This instantly conveys a sense of not caring whether they call or not. Apparently you'll be okay either way, which continues the theme of being interested but also not that interested. This is a critical part of getting your ex to chase you.

In the end, here's what happened: you called, you expressed some interest, and you piqued your ex's curiosity. Then you got off the phone suddenly - before your boyfriend or girlfriend could really ask about you - leaving enough questions unanswered that your ex needs to hear more. You also invited them to call you, making it okay for THEM to initiate some future contact.

Best of all, you did all of these things with one casual phone call, and in 4 minutes or less.

A successful first contact is the cornerstone of rebuilding a new relationship with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. For a lot more great ideas on how to reconnect after a breakup - or if you're stuck on making contact with an ex - be sure to check out this 4-step strategy for reestablishing positive communication.

Proceed to Step 6: Meeting or Seeing Your Ex Again

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